Self Pity, Galactus, and Undercover Policemen: My Week Two NFL Picks

Fact: every sports fan loves predicting the outcomes of games. We have well thought-out reasons for our picks, articles from experts to back them up, and usually a healthy bias in the way of one particular team. Let me tell you folks, this blog is no different. Last week I was so happy about football coming back that I didn’t want to taint it with a picks column. Everyone was a winner. Now that all that sappy stuff is over, we can get back to the real point of football. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE WINNER. With that being said, every Saturday I’ll tell you my picks for the upcoming Sunday’s games. You can use these picks to place bets, and if you win you’ll feel like a genius with insider info. If you lose, well hey, I don’t moderate the comments section. Let’s get into it (home teams listed first, winners in bold).

Thursday Night: New England Patriots vs. New York Jets

Tom Brady is his home opener against a team he (and I) openly hates? A rookie quarterback matched against Bill Belicheck’s defensive schemes? JULIAN EDELMAN? The Pats take this one easy. (I’ve cried myself to sleep every night since this game). Pats 24, Jets 10

Sunday:

Atlanta Falcons vs. St. Louis Rams

Matt Ryan is my starting quarterback in three out of my five fantasy leagues, which means I will never bet against him except when he matches up against New England. He and Brady will each throw six touchdowns that week. Yeah. Atl 35, Stl 17

Baltimore Ravens vs. Cleveland Browns

Nobody, including myself, would choose the Browns to win 90% of their games on any given day. However, the Ravens were thoroughly depleted by a mass exodus of veterans after their Super Bowl win. Also however, Baltimore is angry after being humiliated at the hands of Noodle Arm Manning last Thursday. God help Brandon Weeden. Ravens 28, Browns 13

Buffalo Bills vs. Carolina Panthers

Carolina’s defense will emerge as one of the best units in football this year, mark my words. They’ll force a few turnovers for newly-minted captain Cam Newton to turn into points, even though EJ Manuel will have a few rookie-who-looks-like-a-vet plays. Cam won’t have anything to pout about after this game. Panthers 24, Bills 17

Chicago Bears vs. Minnesota Vikings

It’s a given that Adrian Peterson, Destroyer of Worlds (his official title around these parts) will give this Bears defense all they can handle. The only thing is, it’s the Bears defense, and they CAN handle it. “Peanut Tillman” and the Bears secondary will force Christian Ponder into some tight spots, so don’t be surprised if there are plenty of interceptions to go around. Expect to hear Cutler-to-Marshall at least once tomorrow. Bears 31, Vikings 13

Green Bay Packers vs. Washington Redskins

Colin Kaepernick and Robert Griffin III may have similar playing styles, but don’t expect RG3 to repeat what Kaep did to Green Bay’s defense. Griffin looked like a statue against Philadelphia on Monday night, and I’m not sure that his knee is really at 100%. NFL.com projects him to score 40 fantasy points tomorrow, but I’m not ready to trust him yet. Plus, Clay Matthews is out there lurking. Packers 42, Redskins 28

Houston Texans vs. Tennessee Titans

The Texans aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. The Titans are much less than that. Don’t be fooled by Tennessee’s opening win against Pittsburgh, the Steelers have A LOT of issues and injuries. Even with Foster and Tate splitting carries, Houston won’t lose sleep over this one. Texans 30, Titans 10

Indianapolis Colts vs. Miami Dolphins

Indianapolis may have had a scare in Oakland last Sunday, but don’t expect the same from Miami. Tannehill isn’t as mobile as Terrelle Pryor, or his Texas A&M follow-up act for that matter. An X-factor will be whether or not Mike Wallace can do better than the single catch performance he turned in last week in Cleveland. However, Miami’s success really hinges on Cameron Wake (and the entire defensive line)’s ability to pressure Andrew Luck. Given enough time, he will shred the Dolphin’s secondary. Colts 28, Phins 17

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Dallas Cowboys

Jerrah Jones’ Boys roll into Arrowhead Stadium looking like a team who’s finally harnessed their sky-high potential. The Chiefs turned in a blowout last week against Jacksonville, but I mean it was Jacksonville so… Anyway, look for the underrated KC defense to have a big day. Chiefs 24, Cowboys 20

Philadelphia Eagles vs. San Diego Chargers

The Charger’s Monday Nightmare against Houston proved that not much has changed about this squad. On the other hand, Chip Kelly has the NFL world buzzing over his new, warp-speed offense. An offense that ran 12 less plays than the Patriots in week one, just saying. But I digress, and the LeSean & Desean Show should have another great episode in Philadelphia’s home opener. Eagles 38, Chargers 21

Arizona Cardinals vs. Detroit Lions

If you hadn’t noticed, defensive coordinators have kind of caught on to this whole “Matt Stafford really wants to throw it to Calvin Johnson” thing, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be shutout this season. However, this week he’ll be matched up against one of the NFL’s best corners in Patrick Peterson, who will be sure to give him a hard time. Also a factor here, Carson Palmer can still sling it, and Larry Fitzgerald loves to catch the football. We might have a barnburner on our hands, people. Cardinals 45, Lions 42

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. New Orleans Saints

The Saints are a much better team than the Bucs. On the bright side, Tampa’s revamped secondary might be able to stop Drew Brees from putting up 50 points. Saints 42, Bucs 17

New York Giants vs. Denver Broncos

The third meeting between the Manning bros. will not disappoint. If Eli can get some help from his friends, he may be able to go touchdown-for-touchdown with Big Brother Peyton. Denver’s should have another big day, except Eric Decker of course. He’ll never have a big day again. Giants 23, Broncos 35

Oakland Raiders vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars are far and away the league’s worst team. Saying anything more than that would really just be piling on the poor guys. Terrelle Pryor should have another day of exciting runs and saving broken plays. Raiders 27, Jaguars 3

Game of the Week: Seattle Seahawks vs. San Francisco 49ers

Factors in Seattle’s favor: Russell Wilson Our Football Messiah, better DB’s than Frisco, Bobby Wagner 2013 DPOY, the 12^th Man, Russell Wilson, Marshawn Lynch loves running against the 49ers defense, undercover policemen in Niners gear,  and of course a better receiving corps than San Francisco, even without Percy Harvin. Did I mention how much I love Russell Wilson? Hawks 42, 9ers 35

Monday Night: Cincinnati Bengals vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

As I said earlier this week, this game will be Pittsburgh’s chance to hold onto the torch that they are so unwillingly and (inevitably) passing to the Bengals. Is the Steelers secondary healthy enough to stop A.J. Green? Doubt it. You can always count on Dalton for an interception or two, though. Bengals 28, Steelers 13

Fantasy X-Factors:

·         QB: You saw what Peyton Manning did to Baltimore’s secondary, right? Now, did you see what Tony Romo did to New York’s? Yes, THAT Tony Romo. Peyton will be juuuust fine.

·         RB: Marshawn Lynch has gained at least 100 yards in his last two games against the 49ers, and I expect the trend to continue. He’s Beast Mode, just trust me.

·         WR: With Roddy White still hobbling, Julio Jones should be INHALING receptions on Sunday.

·         TE: Sam Bradford loves throwing to Jared Cook, and he’s proven to be a reliable playmaker. Also, I picked him up so he had better show out.

·         DEF: The Bears defense is an obvious play, but they probably went in the third round. Carolina’s squad is very complete and held Seattle’s offense to 12 points last week.

Last week I chose the Ravens, Patriots, Seahawks, Vikings, Chiefs, Buccaneers, 49ers, Cowboys, Browns, Bengals, Colts, Falcons, Steelers, Cardinals, Redskins, and Texans to win, with the Patriots again on Thursday night, which means my current record is 9-8. I can’t wait to watch all of my predictions come true!