Giving Up On Skinny Josh Freeman and other Cultural Norms: My Week 4 Picks

Can I just point out how crazy last week was? That last drive by the Dolphins? The clutch win I came up with in my fantasy league? The burger I had two days ago that was smothered in chili? We’re going to dive into all that more, but first what the heck is wrong with Colin Kaepernick? He was nothing short of Superman in Frisco’s win over Green Bay in week 1, but ever since he’s been thoroughly Clark Kent (if Clark Kent didn’t secretly have super powers). I hope he gets it together soon, otherwise Frisco is screwed. Coincidentally, they’re facing off against St. Louis tonight, coming off a loss on a short week. As Scooby would say, ruh roh. Let’s get into the picks. Don’t forget bye weeks start this Sunday so double-check your fantasy lineup. As always, projected winner in bold.

Thursday Night Football: St. Louis Rams vs. San Francisco 49ers

As I was saying, the 9ers are limping into this game after being beaten and battered by the Colts on Sunday. St. Louis dominated the NFC West last season in division wins, so don’t think that they can’t hang with the big dogs like Seattle and (maybe not for long) 49ers. I’m thinking St. Louis 28, San Francisco 17

Sunday Games:

Houston Texans vs. Seattle Seahawks

The Seahawks are the best team in the NFL, bar none. Yeah, Denver’s great and all, but Old Man Manning will be back to throwing picks come December. Russell Wilson, Bobby Wagner, Kam Chancellor, Earl Thomas, I mean could literally rattle off their whole roster so I’m going to stop. But seriously, I’m not betting against Seattle until they give me a reason to. Houston 13, Seattle 33

Buffalo Bills vs. Baltimore Ravens

E.J. Manuel has shown some flashes of being a legitimate NFL quarterback, but Baltimore’s defense is not about to get outsmarted by a rookie. I have little to no respect for Baltimore, but I’ll give them that much. Buffalo 14, Baltimore 24

Cleveland Browns vs. Cincinnati Bengals

Both of Ohio’s (least) favorite sons had defining moments last week. Brian Hoyer stepped in for the Browns and threw three touchdowns in a win over Minnesota, leaving Adrian Peterson’s daughterincredulous. However, Hoyer also threw three picks. His victory was also a little less impressive than Andy Dalton’s squad taking down the Packers. I don’t see Cleveland pulling this one out. Browns 17, Bengals 30

Detroit Lions vs. Chicago Bears

Last week I started Matt Stafford in my money league, but this week I saw his matchup and immediately sent him back to the bench. The Bears defense has been performing to the fullest of their turnover-to-touchdown capacity, and I think that will continue in Detroit. Stafford can’t always throw to Megatron, and even then Tim Jennings will have something to say about it. Somebody tell Nate Burleson that the pizza man delivers. Lions 14, Bears 27

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Indianapolis Colts

Andrew Luck and his team have to be feeling great after they embarrassed the feared 49ers last week. The Jaguars probably don’t feel too good because they suck and last week Travaris Jackson scored two touchdowns on them after Russell Wilson had already scored four. That pretty much sums up life in Jacksonville. Jaguars 10, Colts 24

Kansas City Chiefs vs. New York Giants

While Peyton Manning is off to a record-setting start this season, little brother Eli is…not. Add in the fact that Andy Reid has turned Kansas City’s defense into The Purple People Eaters, and it’s not looking good for the Giants. The positive side of this? More and more pictures of Tom Coughlin’s bright red, frustrated face. Chiefs 27, Giants 10

Minnesota Vikings vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

A few years ago I’d feel bad for the Vikings for having this game on their schedule. Now there’s no reason to, and Minnesota could legitimately win this game. It will be up to young safety Harrison Smith to stop Big Ben because he’ll be sending Antonio Brown deep early and often. The Steeler’s running game doesn’t look to be much help, though. Meanwhile, Minnesota’s ground game…. Vikings 23, Pittsburgh 17

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Arizona Cardinals

Skinny Josh Freeman finally lost his job to rookie Mike Glennon, and it only took him three games! I’ve believed that every year would be Freeman’s year, but clearly he’s never going to break through. Arizona will be without Outside Linebackers Lorenzo Alexander and Sam Acho, which is great news for Doug Martin, but ultimately I’m all out on Tampa Bay. Buccaneers 13, Cardinals 21

Tennessee Titans vs. New Jersey Jets

Both Tennessee and New Jersey had games that came down to the wire this past week, and each emerged victorious. Jake Locker’s last-second interception was dropped and instead he got to be the hero by throwing a game-winning touchdown in front of the home crowd. I hate the jets, so let’s go Titans! Titans 13, jets 10

Denver Broncos vs. Philadelphia Eagles

This one could have been chalked up as the battle of unstoppable offenses, but the Chiefs negated that notion. Philly’s defense hasn’t been anything to fear at this point, so expect Peyton’s scoring tear to continue. Broncos 34, Eagles 23

Oakland Raiders vs. Washington Redskins

Terrelle Pryor was beating RGIII at his own game until he was concussed this week against the Broncos on Monday night. He was really Oakland’s last hope, so Washington’s win-less streak should end, despite their recent struggles. Get well soon, Terrelle. Raiders 7, Redskins 20

San Diego Chargers vs. Dallas Cowboys

This game is basically the Chargers against the Chargers, or the Cowboys facing the Cowboys if you will. Each time has mirrored the other in recent years. High-flying offenses, playoff disappointments, no playoffs at all, that sort of thing. Rivers and Romo have avoided making their usual week-to-week mistakes, but somebody has to lose this game of chicken, right? I say Romo breaks first. Chargers 35, Cowboys 27

Game of the Week: Atlanta Falcons vs. New England Patriots

Ryan and Brady are starting my fantasy teams in respective leagues, so I’m hoping the score of this game is something like 55-56. Realistically, New England is bringing along young pass-catchers and Atlanta has basically been playing with one receiver on the field with Roddy White hurt and Tony Gonzalez apparently feuding with Matt Ryan (why else would he be ignoring him out there?). The better defense here is New England, I know you saw Miami’s game-winning drive against the Falcons last week, and as such they get the advantage. Falcons 20, Patriots 31

Monday Night Football: New Orleans Saints vs. Miami Dolphins

Usually this game wouldn’t even be on the national radar, but both teams are coming in undefeated. Yes, the Miami Dolphins are 3-0. Mercury Morris is having a late-life crisis if Miami wins this game. Ryan Tannehill is coming of age, but Sean Payton has been plotting all summer to go 19-0 and then subsequently punch Roger Goodell right in his face. Call me crazy, but I’m taking Miami and Cameron Wake’s relentless pass rush. Saints 23, Dolphins 34

Fantasy Advice from a Fantasy Football Expert:

·         The Bears defense has been ridiculously good at getting turnovers, but that’s usually after they’ve given up huge chunks of yards. Reggie Bush should wreak havoc this week.

·         RGIII has struggled, but this is Oakland’s defense we’re talking about. Go ahead and start him, especially if Rodgers is your quarterback (kicking off the bye weeks)

·         Just wanted to take this time to point out that I definitely called Eric Decker having a great game on Monday night, even though I did spell his name wrong. You’re welcome.

Triumphant Fantasy Story of the Week:

I was up by something like 40 points going into the Raiders/Broncos game, in a matchup with my friend Chris who is a huge Denver fan. He’s a total homer draft guy, so his roster featured Peyton Manning, Demaryius Thomas, Julius Thomas, and Knowshon Moreno. I just knew he was going to catch me. When I checked our scores after the game, I had held on by 10 points. See? Fantasy expert.

My crystal ball let me down this week, so my record is sitting at a lowly 28-21. Also, I wonder if I’ll ever get this article out before the Thursday night game. I always start writing it during the afternoon, but somehow can’t finish it until we’re well into the game. Looks like I may need to budget my time better, or just get a personal assistant. Either way, I’m confident that next week I’ll be standing tall and proud after a week of fulfilled predictions.