Not So Royal: My Week Three Predictions (Now With Expert Fantasy Advice, From an Expert!)

Hey folks, did you miss me?! You might have noticed (and by might I mean of course you did because you all ravenously check this blog for new posts at least three times a day) that we haven’t published a single article in five whole days! For that, I am truly sorry. I guess now would be a good time to warn you that I’ll be extremely pre-occupied for the next nine months because my internship (you’ll hear more about that later) started back up on Monday. I’ll be traveling a whole lot and just generally busy all the time, so most likely there will be a lot less articles coming from this blog. But don’t worry, I’ll be home eventually.

Anyway, the reason why I gathered you all here is really to talk about how much of a genius I am. No, my IQ test scores didn’t arrive in the mail, but I did correctly pick the winner of more than half of the NFL games this past week. Does that mean I get to be considered “expert analysis” yet? I’ll assume you’re all nodding your heads in agreement. Well, another glorious week of football is upon us, and as such it is my duty to peek into the official Redding Report Crystal Ball of Athletic Clairvoyance© and see who will be standing on top come Monday night. Added bonus, you’ll get some expert fantasy advice from a fantasy football expert. Let’s get started, shall we?

Thursday Night Football: Philadelphia Eagles vs. Kansas City Chiefs

This is going to be a no-brainer for most people, but I’m not so sure. Sure, the Eagles offense has seemed to be the light-speed insanity it was hyped as so far, but against two pretty bad defenses. I think Brandon Flowers and Eric Berry will have something to say about this. However, not really confident in Alex Smith’s ability to keep up if this does turn into a gun show. Eagles 33, Chiefs 21

Sunday Games:

Carolina Panthers vs. New York Giants

Cam Newton is still CAAAAAAM! and the Carolina defense is vastly improved. They had a game-winning interception that was called back on a phantom penalty, let’s not forget. Don’t underestimate these guys. I see Eli going 0-3. Panthers 24, Giants 17

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Green Bay Packers

I love the Bengals, I really do. Unfortunately, there’s just not many teams who are going to be favored going into a game against the Packers. Did you see what Aaron Rodgers did to the Redskins? Washington’s defense is very similar to Cincy’s, ordinary secondary, good pass rush. Won’t be enough though. Bengals 20, Packers 45

Dallas Cowboys vs. St. Louis Rams

Dallas is coming off of a loss to the very same Chiefs who are playing tonight, but they look like a rejuvenated team this year. Cortland Finnegan will most likely be shadowing Dez Bryant all day, but it remains to be seen who in the Dallas secondary can stop Tavon Austin. Probably nobody. However, I see Dallas righting the ship this week. Cowboys 30, Rams 14

Minnesota Vikings vs. Cleveland Browns

Well, not much to say here. One of the worst teams in the league just traded their best offensive player to the Colts. A win this Sunday might be actually be a disappointment for the Browns. Vikings 24, Browns 10

New England Patriots vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

This is a very important game for both of these teams, although for different reasons. Skinny Josh Freeman and his squad come into Gillette Stadium with two very-close-almost-wins, which still translates to 0-2. Will he be playing for his job soon? As for the Pats, their haphazard receiver group is going against a defense that forced two Drew Brees interceptions last week. Can they keep their hands on the ball? I say yes. Tampa loses one more. Patriots 23, Bucs 16

New Orleans Saints vs. Arizona Cardinals

Lesser secondary units cower at the sight of Drew Brees’ offense on their schedule, but I doubt that Patrick Peterson and his new Honey Badger sidekick are amused. A week removed from dispatching the usually high-flying Lions, Arizona is playing with confidence on offense as well as defense. I think they pull this one off, although in a close contest. Saints 21, Cardinals 24

Tennessee Titans vs. San Diego Chargers

San Diego is going into this game feeling great, having just out-gunned Mike Vick and the vaunted Eagles offense. The Titans offense is nowhere near as powerful as Philly’s, and if Eddie Royal can keep it up, which I’m hoping he can for my fantasy team’s sake, San Diego will be just fine on their visit down south. Titans 13, Chargers 27

Washington Redskins vs. Detroit Lions

Washington (mostly Robert Griffin III) hasn’t looked like themselves through the first two weeks of the season. Or at least the version of the Redskins that we were expecting. However, Detroit’s defense is the perfect place for their offense to get back on track. That being said, Washington’s defense isn’t exactly lockdown themselves. Redskins win on the strength of Alfred Morris’ big day. Redskins 24, Lions 17

Miami Dolphins vs. Atlanta Falcons

The Dolphins have been off to a fast start this season, but the Falcons are an absolute juggernaut on offense (most of the time). With Stephen Jackson’s help, Atlanta should be able to control this game and get the W. Dolphins 21, Falcons 35

New Jersey Jets vs. Buffalo Bills

The top quarterbacks of this rookie class face off against each other for the first of two times in this divisional battle. I think EJ Manuel has already established himself as the better of the two, and his top receiver Stevie Johnson loves matching up against the Giants’ younger brothers. Jets 10, Bills 17

Seattle Seahawks vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

Cleveland may have unseated Jacksonville as the league’s worst team, but we’ll need further evidence to tell for sure. On the other hand, Seattle is definitely the league’s best team and their defense will not be taking it easy on new starter Chad Henne. Don’t you know by now that Russell Wilson will never ever lose a home game ever? Seahawks 47, Jaguars 6

San Francisco 49ers vs. Indianapolis Colts

Trent Richardson may be a rollickin’, frolickin’ good time, but don’t expect him to make the Colts an instant title contender. It will, however, give them a much better chance of winning their division. The only problem is, the 9ers don’t care about any of that and are very upset after being humiliated by their sworn enemies last week. That is not good news for the Colts. 49ers 42, Colts 24

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Chicago Bears

Pittsburgh didn’t look much better in their Monday night loss to Cincy, and I don’t expect them to improve this week. They’re just not who they used to be. Conversely, the Bears feature the same interception-happy defense that they always have; in addition to a new-and-improved passing attack that is taking no prisoners. Steelers 13, Bears 24

Game of the Week: Baltimore Ravens vs. Houston Texans

We’ve all been wondering what the Ravens identity will be now that so many veterans (namely Ed Reed and Sugar Ray) have jumped ship. Denver blew them out (no surprise, same result in last year’s regular season) and they narrowly avoided an embarrassing loss to Cleveland, which is normal. But now, they’ve got a real test. The Texans, an aspiring AFC power who Baltimore has owned in the past. If they lose this game, that crow on their helmet gets a whole lot less intimidating. Speaking of Ed Reed, he’ll be happy to thwart Flacco’s deep-seam attempts this Sunday. I think Houston shocks the defending “champs” in a close one. Ravens 21, Texans 24

Monday Night Football: Denver Broncos vs. Oakland Raiders

Okay, I love what Terrelle Pryor’s been doing for the past couple of weeks, but let’s be real. I don’t see any plausible situation where Oakland wins this one, short of Peyton getting hurt. Sorry, Raider Nation. At least your quarterback is exciting and actually talented. Broncos 35, Oakland 17

Fantasy X-Factors:

·         Jacksonville’s defense is almost too horrendous to air on national television. Don’t fear a letdown from Marshawn Lynch after a big game last Sunday.

·         The Patriots defense has secretly gotten much better defending the pass and worse defending the run. Look for Doug Martin to rack up the points this week.

·         It’s kind of cheating to have the Seahawks on this list twice, but be sure to start the defense if you have them. It will be a blood bath.

·         Erick Decker is back on track, and that should continue against a depleted Oakland defense.

Fantasy Sob Story of the Week: All week I talked myself into Eddie Royal, waffling back and forth between taking him out of my already shaky lineup. It took me five days to trust him and, unfortunately, only about an hour to panic and start Leonard Hankerson instead. Well guess what? I lost by about 20 points, and Royal scored 30. So that’s my life.

Thanks to the Redding Report Crystal Ball of Athletic Clairvoyance©, my record now sits at a good-looking 22-11. Drop your own predictions in the comments section; I’ll see you when I see you!