Sunday Night at Sergio's: Settling the Great Debate

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to watch a football game with me? Aw, who am I kidding, of course you have! Well you’re in luck my friend, because this past Sunday night my Patriots pulled off the biggest comeback in team history against none other than Peyton Manning and his Broncos. As it happens, I was able to watch the entirety of that game, and with my Broncos fanatic friend, no less. Unfortunately I had resolved not to tweet throughout this game, so we’ll only be able to get a few direct quotes from Twitter. We’ll just have to leave the rest to recollection.

So we arrived at my friend Sergio’s house (big Raiders fan, I’ve mentioned him before) for the big matchup. My other buddy, Chris, was chomping at the bit in anticipation of the game. He couldn’t wait to watch Peyton Manning tear up the hated Patriots and prove himself as the better quarterback of the generation. Now, you must understand that Chris is an extremely expressive person, so I had to strategize my approach to watching this game. I decided to go into Belicheck mode, which basically means containing any and all excitement or disappointment, criticizing only your own team’s mistakes, and praising all of your opponent’s good plays. This way, you can’t be knocked off your cloud when you blow a lead or be mocked later on for premature excitement in a failed comeback. It’s difficult, but such is the Patriot way.

As the Brady-Manning history montage played just before kickoff, the last stat noted was that Brady is the winning-est quarterback in NFL. “That’s right”, I said, and left it to linger in everyone’s minds. It soon became clear that the gusty New England winds would be a factor that night when someone had to hold the ball for Stephen Gostkowski’s kickoff. Shortly after, Peyton and his forehead (which requested to be mentioned separately in this blog) would produce a three-and-out drive, which gave me hope that our defense would show up for the game. As we began moving the ball—a short pass, a nice run—I stood up and pointed out a stiff arm that was given near the sideline. Rookie mistake. Only seconds later Stevan Ridley fumbled the ball and Von Miller took it 60 yards for Denver’s first touchdown. I yelled at Ridley about his fumbling issues a little bit, and even commented “hey, remember when AP used to fumble all the time?” Silence on that one. Tough crowd. “That’s okay,” I thought, “we’ll be fine on the next drive.

Well, two more fumbles and 17 points later, we had not recovered on that or any other drive, and now we were sitting in quite a hole. When LeGarrette Blount fumbled from a Duke Ihenacho hit (which, I admitted myself, was how a strong safety should hit) I began to openly question how many times we were planning to fumble that night. After a dry second half, highlighted only by a Jacob Tamme touchdown, I was expecting some last-minute trickery. The Patriots apparently tricked themselves, trying to run out the clock and then deciding they wanted to play for the points instead. There was confusion all around. As time expired, Brady threw one last heave, which was of course thwarted by the wind. Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie dove for the interception but barely missed the grab. As the camera stayed focused on DRC for a few more seconds, it was clear that he had hurt himself, and then quickly the shot changed. As the Patriots were heading into the locker room, I noticed something that was absolutely terrifying. Patriots fans were…booing. Right out in public. ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Life ceased to hold meaning. Already disappointed, I realized that I had started Ridley on my fantasy team that Sunday, and then I sympathized with his feelings very much.

Halftime was a time for self-convincing. The NBC analysts mentioned the Patriots vs. 49ers game last season, where New England almost mounted an amazing comeback. I recalled that game vividly. I was sitting by myself late at night in Mazatlan, Mexico, telling myself over and over that we weren’t out of the game until it was over. That night we scored 28 unanswered points, ultimately scoring 34, but we came up just short. Anyway, I was reminding myself of that game as Chris spouted off on the couch across from me, naming every Broncos player he could (basically all of them, past and present) and talking about the greatness of Peyton Manning and John Elway, making sure that I knew how hungry Von Miller was. What did I say? What could I say? “Hey man, it’s not over until it’s over”.

As the third quarter began, all I could do was hope. We (yes, the Patriots and I, fans count too) were receiving the second half kickoff, so any comeback attempt could possibly start immediately. Seven plays later, this happened. 

In bewilderment Chris asked, and I quote, “How did you guys score so fast??” Humbly I replied, “That’s just what we do”. When Edelman celebrated his touchdown, I kept my seat and allowed myself only a fist pump. I was able to fist pump twice more during that third quarter as Brandon Bolden (of the two Patriots backs on my fantasy team, he’s not one of them) and Rob Gronkowski (starting for not one, but two of my teams) joined Julian in the end zone. After Bolden’s touchdown I may have yelled “At this point I don’t even care, just hold on to the ball!”, but that’s neither here nor there. In the process, I watched Dane Fletcher sustain our comeback with a forced fumble and rookie Logan Ryan take opportunity right out of Peyton Manning’s hands. (At that point I almost lost it, Peyton picked off by a rookie?! But no, I kept my composure).

At the end of the third quarter, Chris was thoroughly distressed. The score had gone from 24-0 to 24-21 after three unanswered New England touchdowns and at this point I wasn’t even gloating, I was just trying to talk him down from the ledge. “It’s okay man, we’re not even winning yet (the “yet” was obligatory, I had my expectations)” I felt like one of our high school football coaches weathering an emotional storm on Friday night. “Control your emotions, gentlemen. Don’t get too high, don’t get too low, just stay level and finish the game”. Apparently, nobody had ever told Chris. Meanwhile, Sergio had let his German shepherds into the house, which meant that Chris now had to watch the remainder of the game without bursting out emotionally. I was in heaven. Anyway, back to the football.

It wasn’t long into the fourth quarter until the Patriots were winning, as they took the lead on a 14 yard touchdown by who else but Julian Edelman. As he pivoted, sprinted, and then dove into the end zone, I was almost sure that Chris’ head would explode.  By this time I allowed myself a little more expression, so I probably shouted something to the effect of “LET’S GO!!” and said something to show how much I’d supported Edelman through the years. New England’s defense continued to make plays, and with 7:37 left in the game the Patriots extended their lead with a field goal, meaning they were ahead by a whole 7 points now. They had now scored 31 unanswered points on five straight scoring drives. It was glorious, to say the least. I prayed that we would win in regulation, overtime games stress me out and I had just attended one in person the night before, but it was not to be. Aqib Talib’s great coverage finally relented, and Demaryius Thomas scored a touchdown with three minutes left to tie the game. Maddeningly, our offense lost its rocket fuel and stifled just at the end. Overtime it was.

We won the toss, and Bill Belicheck’s strategy was so complicated that his captains had no idea what they were telling the ref at midfield. We kicked off, and the chess match began. Neither offense could generate momentum, so nobody moved the ball all too much. It looked as though the Broncos might mount a scoring drive, but on a crucial third down rookie linebacker Jamie Collins (who I did in fact read about for days after we drafted him) knocked the ball right out of Wes Welker’s hands before he could bring in the catch which would give the Broncos a first down. Now, this moment was very important to me personally, because ever since Welker chose the wrong team this summer, I was convinced that he would be the one to put the game out of our reach. That somehow on a 4^th and 16 play from the 25, he would score a touchdown and devastate Patriot fans everywhere. But no, once again Peyton was thwarted by a rookie defender. We were given the ball back with about three minutes left, and it seemed that this would be our now or never drive.  

Unfortunately, it turned out to be a never drive. As we got in position to punt the ball back to Denver, John Fox sent Wes Welker back to receive the punt. For a second I got the fear again, the feeling that Wes and only Wes could be the one to destroy us, but by now I knew that he wouldn’t. In fact, he botched the poison call and Tony Carter ran into the ball, muffed it, and had it recovered by the Patriots. Chris was livid, I thought he might hop a flight to Foxboro and choke out Carter himself. Three plays later, Stephen Gostkowski knocked the game-winning field goal through the uprights. I stood up, both fists high in the air. I told Chris I loved him, albeit through laughter, and tried not to rub it in. He wanted to leave, but had to finish the food that Sergio’s mom had served everyone. I tweeted a few shout outs to certain players, and even went as far as to say (direct quote) “I imagine my wedding night will feel something like this”. Too far? Too bad. After more conversation and listening to the NBC wrap-up of the game, I left Sergio’s house right after I did the LeBron stomp a few times. 

So let me ask this question one more time: How many times in the past few years have you doubted New England? Of those times, how often did you end up feeling foolish for doing so? On Monday I wore my Welker jersey, because he needed to know that I’m not afraid of him anymore. All thanks to another Sunday night at Sergio’s. 

The Worst Call in NFL History and the Best Game in San Diego: The First Ever Redding Report Football Extravaganza!

Okay, so let’s just get right to this. On Monday I left town for a camping trip and I didn’t take my phone charger (I’m a wild man, naturally). This meant that I would have to turn my phone on and off at strategic intervals in order to save enough battery to follow the Patriots game. I wasn’t worried. Carolina scored first, but we were moving the ball well and kept pace the entire time. Needless to say, I was stressing when I turned on my phone to see that we were down by four points with only 40 seconds left in the game. On the other hand, this is where Tom Brady lives! I was confident that we would pull out the win. Well, you probably know by now that we didn’t pull out that win, though we came close. On my Sportscenter app it simply said “Tom Brady pass to Rob Gronkowski **INTERCEPTED**”. What it did not say was “Rob Gronkowski mauled by a bear in the form of Luke Keuchly, referees make the worst call in NFL history”. No, I didn’t find that out until Wednesday. Week ruined. Twice.

Sorry, I just had to get all of that out. Anyway, you’re probably wondering why I’m calling this article an extravaganza. Well, that’s because I’m going to combine my weekly picks, the Redding Report MVP Watch™, some personal ramblings, maybe even the Interception Weekly, into one article! Are you guys ready for this?? I hope somebody said yes, because I most certainly am not. Let’s get into it!

Hey, did you know that Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are facing off this week? I mean, you probably hadn’t heard about it so I just wanted to let you guys know. We’ll talk more about that later, but let’s knock out the picks for this coming week first. Projected will still be in bold, if you can believe that.

Ø  If you thought that the Falcons were going to beat the Saints, I just said a prayer for your mental health.

Ø  The Jets narrowly edge out Baltimore for the team I hate most in the NFL, and I also think they’ll edge the crows this Sunday.

Ø  I just picked up Cleveland’s defense for one of my fantasy teams, so you tell me if I’m counting on Pittsburgh to win.

Ø  Tampa Bay has managed to show some glimmers of hope, but I don’t think Detroit will allow them to pull an upset with NFC North dominance on the line.

Ø  You never know what you’ve got til’ it’s gone, eh Packers fans? I think Minnesota hands them a fourth-straight loss.

Ø  Contrary to Cleveland’s defense, I saw Houston’s defense on my waiver wire and really had to sit there for about ten minutes considering it.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Jacksonville beat Houston, but then why ruin such great draft position?

Ø  Okay picture this. One year, you hit a growth spurt and suddenly you’re stronger than ever. You’re beating up all the kids who use to bully you, showing everyone whose boss. Then you invite the entire neighborhood to watch you beat up your older brother, but he pounds you just like always. That’s how the Chiefs feel. It’s probably safe to say that they’re pissed. Sorry Chargers, you’re in for a long day.

Ø  As I’ve been trying to tell everyone since the beginning of the season, the Panthers are a real contender, mostly thanks to their defense. The Dolphins, on the other hand, well let’s just say not too many teams could shock me by beating the Chargers

Ø  You know, I really can’t call this one for certain. Chicago’s offense isn’t the same without Jay Cutler, and their defense isn’t the lockdown unit it once was. St. Louis is boasting a beastly pass rush and the best fantasy pickup of the season, Zac Stacy. Am I…picking…the Rams…to win…a game? *punches self in face*

Ø  Speaking of underrated NFC West teams, I think Arizona is going to knock off the Colts this weekend. Andrew Luck has one good receiving option, and Patrick Peterson will be happy to take him out of the game.

Ø  I really want to pick Oakland over Tennessee, but the Raiders have let me down every time I’ve gotten behind them this season (except the Chargers late-late-night special of course). I’m going to pick Tennessee in hopes that it will reverse-jinx Oakland.

Ø  The Eagles somehow claimed the top spot in the NFC East last week, which means Dallas is in a really tight spot. Which is usually when Tony Romo makes it even worse for them. Another win for Eli and the “Hey, we won the Super Bowl twice! No, seriously!”s.

Ø  I benched Alfred Morris for Pierre Thomas this week. Why? Well, for one, Darren Sproles was inactive, but also because Frisco has a superb run defense. Without a ground game to set the tone, RG3 will continue to struggle.

Okay, it’s about that time, the preview to Brady vs. Manning XIV, because apparently these matchups have now transcended regular numbers. Earlier this week I posted this question on my Facebook page: In your opinion, who has had the better career: Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? The consensus seemed to be that Tom Brady was the superior by virtue of his better post-season resume, but others argued that Super Bowl rings were not the end-all argument. Peyton supporters pointed out that he bests Tom in most statistical categories, while I threw in that Brady’s win percentage is the best in NFL history. Either way you slice it, these two quarterbacks have shaped the identity of the NFL for over a decade almost by sheer force of will. No matter who wins on Sunday night, we as spectators win. But also, the Patriots are going to win and Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback in the history of the world.

Redding Report MVP Watch™ as of Week 11

1.      Mission Bay Buccaneers Defense- You’ve never heard of any of these guys, but last night they played the game of their lives. Don’t worry, you’ll hear plenty more about them later.

2.      Clete Blakeman- Blakeman strode out on the field at the end the Patriots game on Monday night, announced that there was no pass interference penalty after all, and ran off of the field. Truly shouldering the whole Panthers squad.

3.      Marshawn Lynch- The Seahawks are the best team in the league, and Marshawn Lynch is the driving force behind their success. Now, of course Football’s Messiah Russell Wilson lends his magic, but every magician needs a very real assistant.

4.      Cincinnati Bengals Defense- The Bengals’ defense had their second 30 point game for my fantasy team, and (questionably) more importantly, lifted Cincy past division-lurkers the Browns with two touchdowns in the second quarter.

5.      Matt McGloin- McGloin had three touchdowns in his relief of Terrelle Pryor, making the Raiders appear as if they are still a competent football team.

This Week in Interceptions: Surprise! That’s what the whole intro to this article was about. C’mon folks, you have to keep up with me.

Expert Fantasy Football Advice from a Fantasy Football Expert

·         The Raiders haven’t exactly been a fantasy points factory this season, but you can count on running back Rashad Jennings to keep producing. Why? Oakland doesn’t have anyone else to hand the ball to.

·         Had I written this article yesterday, I would have screamed at you to SIT DARREN SPROLES BECAUSE HE’S HURT AND PLAY PIERRE THOMAS. Pierre Thomas is a great play until Sproles returns, and maybe even after.

·         If you need a defense this week, chances are your friends haven’t picked up on Cleveland’s potential yet. Swoop that, bro. Swoop that.

Mission Bay Buccaneers Road to CIF

So if you missed us last week, I have added a feature for my high school alma mater, Mission Bay High, as they try to cap their 9-1 season with a CIF Championship. Last week they ran over Brawley and last night they defeated defending state champs and longtime rival Madison 21-18. In a hard-fought, as-suspenseful-as-I-could-handle-without-going-into-cardiac-arrest, emotional affair, the Bucs scored a touchdown late in the fourth quarter and held Madison’s offense on the doorstep of the end zone to win the game, with me waving the team’s rain-soaked flag in the background. Mission Bay will now advance to the third round of the playoffs. Also, a special shout-out to #50 of the Madison Warhawks for doing his best Richie Incognito impression and giving us all a target for which to focus our adrenaline-induced hatred. We got, as they would say, the last laugh.

There you have it folks, you survived our first-ever Redding Report Football Extravaganza! In all likelihood it will not be the last time we publish one of these, so don’t let yourself get comfortable. One day, when I have my life back, I’ll do multiple articles per week, but that’s just wishful thinking for now. Until next time!

My struggles with Historic Proximity Syndrome, some bad decisions, and the Mission Bay Bucs: Week 11 Picks

Last night I was in a fancy restaurant on the island of Alameda (adjacent to Oakland), hosting a fundraising dinner for the school assemblies team that I am a part of. No more than 20 minutes away, Andre Iguadola was hitting a game-winning jumper to give the Warriors a one-point lead over the Thunder. It kind of felt like the time a friend invited me to fly out to New York and spend the weekend with him, paid for completely by his family…and my mom said no. End of story. This morning, as I was perusing the shelves at a comic book store here on the island, the local news informed me that Make A Wish had turned San Francisco into Gotham City to fulfill one kid’s dream. San Francisco is about 15 minutes away from Alameda, yet here I am writing this instead of cheering on Bat Kid. What would you call this? Historic Proximity Syndrome? Always right around the corner from a great event but never witnessing it. I have Historic Proximity Syndrome.

As you probably know, Ed Reed was released by the Houston Texans a few days ago. Ever since that moment, I had been excitedly awaiting the announcement of his arrival in New England. I mean it was perfect, Ed Reed is one of Belicheck’s all-time favorite players and our secondary has suffered some injuries, so what’s the problem? Well, yesterday morning I thought that moment had finally come when, while watching NFL Network, I saw “ts reach greement with sa Ed Reed” (the TV was on a weird zoom setting). Assuming my dream had come true, I hopped onto Twitter only to discover that he had been signed by the jets. The Jets?! I felt like I had been eyeing a taken girl for years, heard that she finally dropped her loser boyfriend, and then got a text from her saying that she was now dating the only person on Earth I would never ever want to see her with. Tragic.

You’ve probably noticed by now that this isn’t going to be a regular picks column, and you’d be right to assume this, because it isn’t. Of course, we do still have to address the games this Sunday, so let’s get to it. Per usual, the projected winners will be listed in bold. Sponsored by the Redding Report Crystal Ball of Athletic Clairvoyance©

Ø  The Titans really made me believe in them last night, but the Colts had luck on their side. No, literally, Luck plays for the Colts. See what I did there?

Ø  The Jets have a strong defense that can contain CJ Spiller, which will shut down the entire Bills offense. Plus, Ed Reed will be lurking in that secondary (drowning in my own tears)

Ø  They may have stopped Cincinnati from completely dominating the AFC North, but the Ravens are still an afterthought. Despite losing Charles Tillman for the season, the Bears shouldn’t have much trouble adding another W to their calendar.

Ø  I fully expect the Bengals to win this Sunday, although it won’t be easy against a Cleveland team that features one of the league’s best defenses. If the Browns do pull the upset, things are going to get real iffy in the AFC North.

Ø  I’m going to give the Texans the edge at home, and that’s about 99% because of Case Keenum. With a gunslinger mentality that Matt Schaub never had, Keenum has continued the work started in his high-scoring Houston U days. Without a consistent running game or effective o-line, Oakland may not win again this season.

Ø  I’m expecting two touchdowns just from the Cardinals’ defense in this one. The Jags may have avoided 0-16, but they’re still the picture of failure in the NFL.

Ø  This game could be closer than you and I think it’ll be, but ultimately I see the Redskins winning this one. Somehow Philly is still going to win the division, though.

Ø  After seeing the Patriots go to town on Pittsburgh’s defense a couple of weeks ago, I lost all confidence in that unit. Detroit’s diverse attack may put up 60 on these guys.

Ø  Neither Tampa Bay nor Atlanta has exactly been experiencing a dream season, but I think Mike Glennon wants to convince Arthur Blank that he doesn’t need to look for a QB come May.

Ø  I’m very wary of this matchup, but San Diego should win this one if they can avoid shooting themselves in the foot for at least three quarters. If Rivers can give the ball to an actual running back on the goal line and get the ball to Keenan Allen, the Chargers will leave Miami with smiles on their faces.

Ø  I’m sure everyone remembers the epic playoff game these two teams had back in Alex Smith’s day, but the Saints and 49ers are different teams now. Namely, the San Francisco offense in struggling and New Orleans is featuring a real-life defense. A great day for fantasy owners all around.

Ø  The Giants have always been the scum of the earth in my opinion, so there’s really no chance that I would ever pick them. On a side note, today the Packers were mentioned as “A.J. Hawk and the Packers” in a DirecTV promo. How much did his mom pay for that one, I wonder?

Ø  Football’s Messiah Russell Wilson and the Seahawks should have no problem dispatching the Vikings, but it may be that much more fun to watch if Percy Harvin can adjust to this team quickly enough. Also, Seattle’s run defense hasn’t been at their best this season; look for A.P. to have a great day despite the loss.

Ø  Remember when the Packers were having a juggernaut season and somehow the lowly Chiefs managed to beat them? The KC defense is built to stop pass-happy teams, and it’s even better now than it was then. Not to mention that they love pressuring the quarterback and Peyton Manning can barely walk right now. Mark my words, the Chiefs will be 10-0.

Ø  Okay, I realize that this Monday night matchup with the Panthers seems to be the perfect setup for a Patriots loss, but consider this: how many times in the past few years have you doubted New England? Of those times, how often did you end up feeling foolish for doing so? You can’t stop destiny folks. #PatriotsVSSeahawksSuperBowl48

And that’s it for this week’s picks, my friends. Only a few more weeks and every team will be playing every week again! Because you were wondering, our picks record is now 87-64 following quite a bad week of picks by our staff (don’t worry, still just me). Anyway, did you hear that Adrian Peterson said he doesn’t want to be traded out of Minnesota? That’s like me saying “No, I think I’m going to ride Brian Leonard for the rest of the season, you can keep Jamaal Charles”. FOOLISH. Hey, speaking of fantasy football…

Fantasy Sob Story of the Week:

I was in first place, you guys. First place in my Pride league. With the same record as my Broncos-fanatic buddy Chris and the tie breaker from an early-season matchup, I was sitting pretty atop the standings. Then the Broncos played against the Chargers, and because Chris has about player on their roster, I fell back to number two. But let me tell you, it was so much fun at the top. Hopefully, I’ll be back soon.

Expert Fantasy Football Advice from a Fantasy Football Expert

·         If you’ve been enjoying the production of the KC defense all season, now is not the time to turn tail. Peyton Manning is intimidating, sure, but this defense was built to stop him and his evil minions.

·         I checked the waivers in my league last week, and somehow nobody had Tavon Austin. Somehow, despite being eighth on the waiver order, I won that claim. Austin is a good flex if the other guys in your league are equally as oblivious.

·         We all know that Trent Richardson is pretty much worthless, so go ahead and pick up Donald Brown. The Colts will be leaning on him more to try and keep a balance to control the flow of games more.

·         I spotlighted Kenny Stills a few weeks back, but in case you forgot, Drew Brees loves throwing deep to this guy. Once again, DREW BREES LOVES THROWING TO THIS PERSON.

·         You’ve heard of Bobby Rainey, right? Just kidding, I know you haven’t. However, if you’re hurting for a flex man, don’t be afraid to consider Tampa Bay’s newest off-the-bench spark plug.

Before we wrap things up here, allow me to introduce a new section that we’ll be running over the next few weeks, Mission Bay’s Road to CIF. This will be a focus on this football team of my alma mater, Mission Bay High, as they try to make their good on their 9-1 regular season with a CIF Championship. The Bucs got off to a good start tonight with a 41-16 win over Brawley. With plenty of points through the air, Mission Bay made sure Brawley never had a chance. They will face a tough test next week when they face Madison, their only loss during the regular season. Can they overcome this division rival on the way to a championship? We’ll find out next week, folks! Go Bucs!

And there we have it, everything you wanted to know and probably much, much, more. Will our picks hold up? Will Bobby Rainey carry you to a win this Sunday? Does Adrian Peterson really not want to be traded? (Because I mean, really? C’mon). Feel free to share any thoughts with us in the comments section or on Twitter at @GSRudy. Until next time!

When Megara said "You can't beat him!", she was referring to my fantasy team. Also, Week 10 Picks

Guys, it was a great weekend. The Patriots silenced their doubters while decimating the Steelers, which was awesome to watch. More importantly, all four of my fantasy teams won this weekend. I climbed to first place in my Pride league, my pathetic Buddy league team pulled out its third victory, and my Money team put up 200 points(208.04 to be exact, I know you were wondering)! What was so gratifying about my wins this weekend is the fact that they were powered by big performances from lesser-known guys who I sought out. Zac Stacy, T.Y. Hilton, the Panthers Defense. I urged so many of my friends to pick up these players, and now I have everything to show for it. Looking over the recap of my 200 point performance, I felt like Meg when she’s boasting to Hades about Hercules. “He has no weaknesses! You can’t beat him!” Even the guys on my bench were putting up 14 points. Anyway, we’re here to talk about who’ll be winning the games this weekend, so let’s do that. As always, projected winners in bold.

Thursday Night Football: Minnesota Vikings vs. Washington Redskins

I’m not particularly interested in this game, and by that I mean not at all, but at least it will feature two of the NFL’s best running backs. RG3 has begun to look more like himself, but AP is the real draw of this matchup. Alfred Morris is a powerful runner of his own, but Mike Shanahan hates fantasy football, so look for Darrel Young to vulture more touchdowns tonight (knock on wood). If you’re a defense freak like me and want to see one of the game’s best developing safeties, keep an eye on Minnesota’s Harrison Smith. Plus, the last time AP was on the field, this happened:

Vikings 17, Redskins 24

Sunday Games:

Atlanta Falcons vs. Seattle Seahawks

You may remember this as last year’s NFC Championship matchup. A great game, which I missed by the way, that will likely have a disappointing sequel. The last time these two teams met up, I thought it was an afternoon game, heard about what happened, didn’t believe my friends, checked ESPN, and then proceeded to cry. The Falcons aren’t too great this year, so I’m not expecting much out of their offense. There’s also a 100% that I’m going to miss this game for a second time. Falcons 20, Seahawks 31

Baltimore Ravens vs. Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals have basically become what the Ravens were these last couple of years. The AFC North-leading team with a dual personality, convincing us of their talent and then making us feel foolish for believing in them. However, I genuinely believe in Cincy, which is something I could never say for Baltimore. And now look, they suck just like I always thought they did. I predict that the Bengals will get up for this game to make sure that they let everyone know who’s running this division. However, Gio Bernard’s injury may slow the offense down if he can’t play like himself. Ravens 14, Bengals 27

Chicago Bears vs. Detroit Lions

In light of Aaron Rodgers’ injury, this game just became 10,000x more important. The Bears, Lions, and Packers are 5-3 with a 2-1 record in division play. Assuming that Seneca Wallace is not exactly Jeff Hostetler, the NFC North is up for grabs in these next few weeks. Calvin Johnson is playing at an otherworldly level, and Reggie Bush is hitting his stride at exactly the right time. If Brandon Marshall and Matt Forte can’t keep up, Chicago’s defense is in for quite a long day. It will also be interesting to see if Jay Cutler is fully healed as he returns to the field. I’m sure Suh and Fairley will be happy to check for us. Bears 24, Lions 33

Green Bay Packers vs. Philadelphia Eagles

Nick Foles is coming off his record-tying seven touchdown performance, but something tells me that Philly will lose this game despite Green Bay featuring their backup quarterback. The contrast in running styles between Eddie Lacy and LeSean McCoy will be fun to watch, assuming that McCoy even gets the ball. Packers 27, Eagles 17

Indianapolis Colts vs. St. Louis Rams

There’s nothing the Rams have done during this season to make me think that they could beat the Colts, save their 7-sack performance against the Seahawks in week 8. However, the Rams will have to score points of they want to beat Indy, and that’s not exactly one of their strengths. Colts 31, Rams 14

New York Giants vs. Oakland Raiders

I personally believe that the Raiders are a much better team than what they displayed last week, and even more than that I don’t see how the Giants have managed the two games they’ve scratched together. Pryor’s big-play ability could ignite at any second, and I expect it to be on full display this Sunday. Plus, I hate the Giants with a fiery passion. Giants 0, Raiders 24

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Buffalo Bills

Usually I would say that a Dick Lebeau-coached defense that just had 55 points poured all over it would come back with a fury, but now I’m not so sure. I’m getting increasingly worried that the Steelers really have lost it. The Bills weren’t supposed to be very good this year, but they’re definitely putting up a fight, draft position be damned. Le’veon Bell continues to assert himself as a rising star in the Pittsburgh offense, so pick him up if the others in your league are still oblivious. Steelers 23, Bills 30

Tennessee Titans vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

The Titans are what you’d call a good-bad team. They lose to good teams, but they sure can beat a bad team. Their defense is better than you think, and don’t forget about that last-second touchdown they beat the Chargers with. If Chris Johnson can keep it rolling from his 150-yard, two touchdown showing last week, this game will be no problem for Tennessee. Titans 27, Jags 10

San Francisco 49ers vs. Carolina Panthers

This will actually be my favorite game this week, because I’m a weirdo who just loves watching good defenses. As I’ve preached since the season kicked off, Carolina’s defensive unit is very stout and they continue to prove me right. Meanwhile, both of these teams feature young, dynamic, dual-threat quarterbacks and strong running games. You might the Panthers as an underachiever, but they’re riding Ron Rivera’s new aggressive tactics to a four game win streak, and they don’t want it to stop. I can’t wait! 49ers 21, Panthers 17

Arizona Cardinals vs. Houston Texans

The Cardinals and Texans are both third in their respective divisions. The difference? Arizona is sitting at .500 while Houston is 2-6, two very different stories indeed. The Texans have looked resurgent behind Case Keenum’s performances, but no real fruit has come of that yet. Arizona’s defense is one of the best in the league(practically carrying my fantasy team) and is probably licking its chops at the thought of facing a rookie quarterback. The last time Wade Phillips took over for Gary Kubiak, Houston did some great things on their way to the playoffs. Can Wade re-create his magic? Cardinals 24, Texans 17

New Orleans Saints vs. Dallas Cowboys

There’s no way this game doesn’t turn into a shootout. Both of these defenses have shown up at times this season, but neither will be able to prevent the onslaught that is coming this Sunday. Start every fantasy player possible for both of these teams(please ignore my hype and make wise fantasy decisions). The difference in this game will be Jimmy Graham, who has been destroying defenses (except New England’s, just saying) and scored twice last week even as New Orleans lost to the Jets. Saints 145, Cowboys 131

Monday Night Football: Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Miami Dolphins

All signs point to a Dolphins victory in this game. The Bucs suck. Let’s move on. Bucs 10, Dolphins 23

Game of the Week: San Diego Chargers vs. Denver Broncos

Each of these teams is really, really going to need their defenses to step up this week. On the Charger’s side, Danny Woodhead, Eddie Royal, and Keenan Allen could go off on any play and Denver’s offense features weapons like Demaryius Thomas, Eric Decker, and Wes Welker In The Wrong Jersey (his new full name). I would give San Diego the home-field advantage, except that there’s no such thing here in San Diego. In all likelihood, there will be much more orange jerseys in the stands than blue ones. If Peyton Manning’s ankles received the proper care during the bye week, Denver should come out on top(you’re welcome, Chris). Points will abound though, I have no doubts about that. Chargers 31, Broncos 42

Fantasy Victory Story of the Week:

Well, I already spent the entire intro talking about how I put up 200 points, so I guess I’ll just show you how it all went down.

·         QB: Tom Brady, 41.18

·         WR: Denarius Moore, 13.20

·         WR: Torrey Smith, 13.80

·         WR: T.Y. Hilton, 38.10

·         RB: Adrian Peterson, 27.70

·         RB: Alfred Morris, 18.10

·         TE: Jordan Cameron, 1.40 (Seriously, this guy decides to disappear on Vernon Davis’ bye week)

·         FLEX: Zac Stacy, 35.80

·         K: Steven Hauschka, 9.00

·         DEF: Cincinnati, 9.76

Fantasy Football Advice from a Fantasy Football Expert

Ø  I absolutely hate the Giants, but maybe you’d like to pick up Andre Brown. David Wilson was just placed on IR and the Raiders aren’t exactly the top run defense in the league

Ø  If nobody in your league has Bears receiver Alshon Jeffery, pick him up. He’s been much more consistent in his second year and I have a feeling that the Lions will be very focused on Brandon Marshall and Matt Forte this weekend

Ø  This is some insider trading stuff, okay? Patriots running back Shane Vereen is eligible to return from IR this week, but as New England is on their bye, he will get an extra week to rest. The Patriots will almost certainly be rolling him out to surprise teams after their bye week. You heard it here first!

There it is folks, another week of bold predictions just waiting to come true! The Redding Report Crystal Ball of Athletic Clairvoyance© was almost literally dead tired last week, so it went 6-7 on the week, which brings us to 82-55 for the season. Still not doing too bad, right? And hey, maybe next week I’ll be able to actually publish this before the Thursday night game starts, how awesome would that be? Until next time!

Defense Wins Irrelevant Rankings and a Shout Out to my Alma Mater: The Redding Report MVP Watch

The Patriots offense will struggle without Welker and Hernandez. Tom Brady can’t throw the deep ball any more. Stevan Ridley is not a reliable back. These are all insults that I’ve had to endure since summer, repeated over and over by naysayers of all kinds. Well, yesterday the Patriots scored 55 points. Tom Brady threw two touchdowns to his rookie receiver Aaron Dobson, one of which he slung for 81 yards, and Stevan Ridley found the endzone twice. New England’s points were the highest total this season, and that is why Tom Brady finds himself back atop this week’s Redding Report MVP Watch™. In case you were wondering, I went to sleep before my brain completely shut down, but I did wake up with blood in my nose and on my face. Talk about a close call. Anyway, let’s get into the list!

1.      Kansas City Chiefs Defense- Oh, you thought “atop” meant number one? No my friends, not even my ridiculous bias could justify ranking Brady first this week. The Chiefs are 8-0 and it’s because they feature the absolute best defense in the NFL. Nobody has managed to score more than 17 points against KC this season, and the defense has scored six touchdowns themselves. The Chiefs are also first in the league with a turnover differential of +15. Can they just square off with Denver already please?

2.      Tom Brady- The man, the myth, the legend, the model, the superhero, the…oh sorry. I got distracted for a second. New England’s defense has carried them for much of the season, but now injuries have bumped them back down to liability status. A unit that included rookies at the corner, safety, and defensive line positions allowed 31 points yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately for the Steelers, Tom Brady still has the ability to make receivers better by sheer force of will (see: Aaron Dobson). #PatriotsVsSeahawksSuperbowl48

3.      Russell Wilson & Golden Tate- We’ve seen co-MVPs before, but never from the same team. On Sunday, down 21 to the Tampa Bay Possibly Infected Bucs, Wilson and Tate both saw a need for something big. Wilson kicked it off, throwing a touchdown and running another in himself, but Tate’s relentless 71-yard punt return made the Hawks believe that they weren’t done yet. Last week, Tate’s 80 yard touchdown, despite the penalty, lifted Seattle past the Rams. These two need each other almost as much as the team needs them. Pay attention folks, there’s magic in that locker room.

4.      Andrew Luck- Like the Seahawks, Luck and the Colts found themselves in a hole going into halftime against the Texans. However, Luck remembered that T.Y. Hilton also plays for Indy and acted accordingly. By the way, I hope you picked up T.Y. Hilton when I suggested that you do so, this guy is the real deal. More about him later this week.

5.      T.Y. Hilton- Hilton seems to do nothing but come up big when the Colts need it most. In their matchup with the Seahawks, Hilton went off against the highly-touted Legion of Boom. On Sunday night, as the Colts clawed back into the game, Andrew Luck threw three touchdowns. All of them were caught by our friend T.Y. Not to mention that he added about 30 points to my fantasy score this week (but then again, who didn’t?). Could Luck-to-Hilton be Indy’s next great passing connection?

6.      Honorable Mention: Andre Petties-Wilson- Confused as to why you haven’t heard of this player? That’s because Andre plays for Mission Bay High School, where I graduated in 2012. Andre has been the Buc’s most dynamic player for a couple of years now and is a big reason why they're 8-1 this season, making an impact on offense, defense, and in the return game. Look out for him at the college level next year and on Sundays in the future.

I almost felt obligated to add Nick Foles to this list, but then I realized how terrible the Eagles are this year. They don’t need an MVP. Darrel Young may have powered the Redskins to an overtime win over the Chargers, but the only thing he’s the MVP of is the Touchdown Vultures Association of America. Alfred Morris could have had such a great day! Why does Mike Shanahan hate letting his good running backs score? Anyway, keep your eyes open for these players to make their mark in this upcoming week of games. Until next time!

Is it ever too late to root for the home team? Is my brain going to shut down from fatigue? Week 9 picks are here!

Folks, it’s been quite a good week for yours truly. The Patriots defense went off on the Dolphins without the help of Talib, Wilfork, or Mayo and Aaron Dobson has real human hands that really do work. However, that’s not what made this weekend so awesome. No, that was solidified when I realized that I’m better than you at fantasy football. That’s right my friends, no matter who you might be, if you are reading this then I am better at fantasy football than you are. Allow me to explain.

As my faithful followers will know, I participate in four fantasy football leagues. There’s the Pride league, the Money league, the Buddy league, and the fourth one really just doesn’t matter at all. So the focus of this story is what transpired in my Pride and Money leagues this week. Basically, a ridiculous blowout and an improbable win- both in my favor. Ready to find out why you’ll never be a better fantasy team owner than me? I’m ready to tell, that’s for sure.

So in my Pride league, I was on a three-game win streak after starting 2-2. At 5-2 I was sitting at third in the league, close enough to taste the top spot. My matchup this week was the team in 2^nd place, a friend who had blown me out in week 1 behind Kaepernick’s demolition of the Packers. This week, I had to get my revenge. It was all or nothing. I benched Matt Ryan in favor of Russell Wilson and never looked back. 165 points later, the Cardinals defense has chipped in a nice 24 and even Terrance Williams (love to say I told you so!) put up 19. My Pride team (named Redding The Defense, you don’t have to tell me how clever it is) is now 6-2. That other team? Let’s just say they were 60 points in the wrong direction.

As for my Money team, every projection and logical deduction said that we would lose by at least 20 points. So what happened? Well, it started with me going against my every instinct and benching Tom Brady, starting Matt Stafford in his place. Stafford then went on to do cruel things to my mind and heart in Detroit’s win over Dallas, adding 30 points. Last week I picked up Cincy’s defense. This week they scored 30 points. A defense gave me 30 points. Going into Monday Night Football, I was down by one point. Steven Hauschka scored two, giving me the 130-129 win. I’m better than you at fantasy football. Now, let’s talk about some real games, shall we? As always, projected winners in bold.

Okay, here’s the thing. I’ve just had the longest, most tiring week of my life and its 11 pm. My brain is functioning at about 45% capacity and I may just pass out soon. I doubt that I could make it through my traditional picks format, so I’m going to kind of rave and ramble and you’ll get your picks at the end. Cool? Cool. That being said, did you hear that the NFL is considering taking away touchdowns for taunting penalties like the one Golden Tate incurred on Monday Night? Who do they think they are, the NCAA? They’re entertainers, let them entertain. Jeez. Also, did you see how Demarcus Ware snatched Dez Bryant when he was yelling on the sideline? Noooo thank you. 

In case you hadn’t noticed, the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl. Justify my claims? Um, the Red Sox just won the World Series. Therefore, the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl. Case closed. By the way, here’s my MVP Watch going into Week 9:

1.      Calvin Johnson (Megatron): If you need justification for this, please promptly punch yourself in the face. Or just watch this. 

2.      Patriots’ Defense: Down by 17 points against the Dolphins, New England’s defense found another gear without their three best players and generated six sacks along with two picks as the offense scored 24 unanswered points.

3.      Marvin Jones: I mean, the guy almost scored as many touchdowns in one game as AJ Green has so far this season. Plus, it’s hilarious that Andy Dalton threw four touchdowns to someone who was probably on 1% of the world’s fantasy teams.

4.      Chiefs Defense: Do you really have to ask? Alex Smith is not exactly carrying the Chiefs with his arm. I’m fully confident that KC can beat Denver if their defense performs how they have been.

5.      Terrelle Pryor: Before the season started, I said that Pryor would win Oakland’s starting job and even be a little good at it, too. Well, on Sunday he scored on a 93-yard run against the Steelers. Terrelle Pryor is a quarterback.

One of the most attractive traits in any person, leader or friend, is humility. I try to live my life as humbly as possible at all times and I believe that hard work in silence is much better than laziness in front of a crowd. In light of that, let’s check out some of the fantasy X-factors I’ve named that demonstrate my genius.

Ø  In my Week 6 picks column, I advised everyone to pick up Terrance Williams, who I noticed was becoming one of Tony Romo’s favorite targets. Only one Cowboys receiver scored a touchdown that week. Who was it? Well, you can probably guess.

Ø  This week I urged you not to overthink starting Calvin Johnson in the Megatron vs. Dez Bowl. You’re welcome, citizens.

Ø  Week 3 I named Eric Decker, who ended up with 8 receptions for 133 yards and a touchdown. Yes yes I know, thanks are not necessary.

Oh, what’s that? You were wondering who I think are the top five teams in the league? Well, I thought you’d never ask! You’ll recall that I am shamelessly biased towards the New England Patriots. We’re always accepting New Fan Applications, by the way. Just throwing it out there. Anyway…

1.      Seattle Seahawks

2.      New England Patriots

3.      Denver Broncos

4.      New Orleans Saints

5.      Cincinnati Bengals

Okay I’m starting to experience physical pain because of how tired I am, let’s get to these picks shall we? (My brain can’t handle numbers right now)

·         Dolphins lose to Bengals

·         Buffalo loses to Kansas City

·         Carolina beats Atlanta

·         Dallas destroys Minnesota

·         Pathetic Jets get demolished by the Saints

·         St. Louis surprises Tennessee

·         Washington can’t finish against the Chargers

·         Oakland keeps it going against Philly

·         Seattle easily handles Tampa Bay

·         Cleveland is still Cleveland against Baltimore

·         New England dispatches Pittsburgh

·         Houston is defeated by Indy

·         Green Bay squeaks by Chicago

Before we depart this week, I need your opinion on something. I became a Patriots fan in a rather unorthodox way, being from San Diego, which I may have mentioned before. Anyway, a good friend of mine believes that even eight years later it is not too late for me to become “loyal to my soil” and convert to the First Church of the Chargers. Is it plausible? Is it even worth it? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Go ahead and sound off in the comments section or feel free to get at me on Twitter, @GSRudy.

With that out of the way, I’m ready to hit the sack my friends. The Redding Report Crystal Ball of Athletic Clairvoyance© has really found it’s groove, and we went 11-2 this week. You can’t tell me that’s not impressive! That awesome mark brings our total record to 76-48, and we’re getting better each week. Thank you all so much for reading; I can’t even express how much it means to me. Until next week!