Rejoice, football fans! It’s Madden
season. EA’s newest iteration of our beloved game has finally hit the shelves
and it looks like it’s going to be the best version yet! A bunch of new
technology that I’m completely ignorant about has been utilized to bring us a
brand-new experience filled with enough action, competition, and hilariously
frustrating glitches to make you forget that your girlfriend even existed. Now before
we get into our breakdown today, you need to watch this amazing Madden 15
trailer that just might be the best videogame commercial of all time. Whenever
you combine Kevin Hart and a “rapping” Shady McCoy, you know it’s gonna be a
good time. Enjoy:
Ready to hop on the sticks yet? I
know I am! Now you might be wondering, “Gyasi, why are you talking about
Madden? How could you possibly make legitimate journalism out of a videogame?”
Well prepare to be amazed! We’ve all made a few bucks betting on games of
Madden 07 in our cousin’s garage, right? The stakes have been raised just a
little bit since those PS2 days, so we’re going to profile the different
players you’ll likely go up against next time you get all the guys together. Hopefully
this guide will save you from embarrassment and maybe your wallet will even get
a little thicker in the process.
The Host
Every great Madden tournament begins
with a one of your friends opening up his bed room, living room, or usually his
garage. Normally the group will concede the rights to play first to The Host.
After all, it is his game you’re playing and probably his fridge that you’re
going to clear out. A common trait among Hosts is that instead of betting for
money, they want to lay their household chores down on the wager table. If you’re
not careful you could end up taking out this guy’s trash for a month.
Mr. “Double or Nothing”
I have two older cousins named Jeremy
and Jesse. Well, I have about 50 older cousins, but for now we’ll just focus on
these two. Jeremy was always the typical oldest brother. He was stronger than
you, better at sports than you, listened to cooler music than you, and had more
freedom than you did. Now Jesse was only a couple of years younger than Jeremy,
so he looked for an opportunity to close the gap between himself and his older
brother. Enter: Madden ’08. With a group of us younger guys huddled around the
small TV in my aunt’s garage, Jeremy and Jesse duked it out for sibling
supremacy in games that would certainly go down in the annals of NFL history
had they played out in real life. Whenever Jeremy won, Jesse would reach into
his pocket without a second thought, lay down more money, and say “double or
nothing” without even looking up from the screen. Sometimes the gamble worked
out for Jesse, but more often than not Jeremy would leave the garage all of
Jesse’s money and his shift of dish cleaning duty taken care of for a few
weeks. Mr. Double or Nothing is easy to take advantage of because he just knows he almost had you. You can score
a pretty payday when you challenge one of these Madden-ites. And keep it close
when you beat them, they HATE that.
The Hustler
Every guy has a hustler friend. He
shows up when you bring new friends around, pretends to be terrible at Madden,
and then ends up revealing his talent once a little more money gets thrown
down. My buddy Matt, who was in the Navy, told me about a friend he had named
Bookie. Bookie would hang around whenever fellow shipmen were holding Madden
tournaments and feign ignorance whenever he was challenged. Once he lost the
first game, Bookie would give them the old “I think I’m getting the hang of
this, let’s bet a little more money and I’ll play you again”. Once they agreed,
Bookie would proceed to slaughter his opponent and take his money. Now of
course, a Hustler’s game can’t work consistently. He needs to constantly play
with people who don’t know him, otherwise the ruse is up. If you’re a hustler,
make you sure you’re good enough to beat the guys you hang with all the time if
you want to keep those pockets of yours heavy.
The Super Fan
It’s the first weekend of football
season, your buddy just bought a PS4, and you’re finally going to play Madden
15 for the first time. You show up with your Tostitos Scoops and queso dip, and
your face drops. Why? Because Gary’s here. Rocking a Seahawks jersey with a
Seahawks beanie and a pair of officially licensed Seahawks gloves, Gary is the
Super Fan of your circle. Super Fans refuse to play with any team other than
theirs and insist on taking home field advantage because they “need to play in
front of their fans” for that extra boost to victory. These guys will take 20
minutes before the game making sure the team is wearing their favorite
throwback jersey and adjusting the roster so that all of the hidden gems on the
bench (whose names they know by heart, of course) are in as starters. Super
Fans will talk to their players throughout the game as if they actually hear
them, addressing everyone by their first name. Ex: “Really Russell?! You have
to look the safety off before you throw that out route!” Ultimately, Super Fans
are generally not very good at Madden and will blame any loss on anything but
their own lack of skill.
Mr. Irrelevant
We all have that friend who sucks at
Madden and couldn’t really care less about it. He’s never been into videogames,
but he does enjoy watching the rest of the gang challenge each other. Whenever
you ask him to play he gives you his trademarked “I just don’t get it” or “It’s
a waste of time” answer. But if he ever does venture to pick up a controller
you’re immediately caught in conundrum. If you lose to him, you’ll never hear
the end of it. If you destroy him, the guy might never play videogames again.
Your safest bet is beat Mr. Irrelevant by no more than three touchdowns. That way
you don’t have to crush his spirit and he can tell himself that he almost beat
you. He’ll probably tell everyone else too; they seem to love that. Ever heard
this one before? “Dude, it was like my third time playing and I scored three
touchdowns!” It’s okay to let Mr. Irrelevant revel in his imagined glory. If you
don’t particularly care about anyone’s feelings then these games are a great
time to practice any trick plays or exotic schemes that you’ve been unsure
about using during a serious match.
“See me on the field”
Guy
“See me on the field” or SMF is the
guy in your group who played one and a half seasons of high school football
(college if you’re in a particularly athletic circle) and never moved on from
the glory days. So basically…he’s me. When you beat SMF he will go into an
extensive explanation of the mistakes he made because he thinks that he’s still
breaking down film ahead of an actual game. He may sound something like, “Well
yeah man you can’t win when you keep underthrowing the ball in the flat, my
deep coverage was horrible the safeties didn’t pick up anybody”. Any taunting
towards SMF will only yield his patented challenge, “but you won’t see me on
the field though!” What he (me) is trying to say here is “Yes, you can beat me
in football on this PlayStation, but if we actually go outside and play
football for real, I’ll win because, don’t forget, I rode the bench for a
mediocre team in high school”. It’s almost more annoying to lose to SMF because
his explanations for victory are EVEN LONGER than his excuses for losing. This may
sound familiar, “Oh man, I saw the safety cheat down into the box and I was
like ‘I got him!’ so when my receiver crossed the middle I already knew…” Over
it yet? A SMF’s only positive trait is that because of some self-appointed
sense of honor in the world of digital sports, they will always compliment you
on a good win and concede respect when you do something exceptional during the
game. It’s almost enough to make their wannabe coach speeches worth it.
The Champion
A Champion is easy to spot. He’s
always playing with the first controller, he always gets to be the home team,
and half of the time he seems generally disinterested in the game. You see, the
hard about being a Champion is that you eventually grow weary of being better
than all of your friends. Trash talk is old hat for them; they score touchdowns
without so much as a smirk crossing their face. The Champ might play the first
few games when everyone gets together, but he soon ends up eschewing the “winner
stays” rule and giving the controller to someone else. A Champion is the kind
of person who would rather play a game with his Franchise team and turn the
difficulty up to All-Pro rather than challenge his friends. It’s lonely at the
top, and being a Champion can change you as a person. When Madden 25 came out a
guy at a party beat me 45-0, then continued the conversation he was having with
his friend as if nothing had happened. It was the most terrifying experience of
my life.
I hope this list left you a little
more prepared for the wiles of the Madden world. Most of you probably knew
exactly which of your friends was being described while reading the different
profiles. Most of probably also saw yourself on the list and didn’t want to
admit it, but we don’t have to go into that right now. If you have any
hilarious stories about your Madden friends, drop them in the comments section.
We might even share them with everyone. No matter what your style may be, we can all
unite under the banner of loving football. Rejoice, it’s Madden season.
By the way, one of my favorite sports
journalists, DJ Gallo, wrote an in-depth article about ratings in the new
Madden. I think you’ll find it very…educational. Here’s a sample:
So, what did you guys think? The
first half of our Poetry Preview was pretty epic, huh? Well I sure hope you
answered yes because the second half is about to kick off and this train is
showing no signs of stopping! But alas, my people, I have betrayed you. In the
introduction to this revolution I promised sonnets, haikus, and much more. However,
while I wrote a stirring ode to the Patriots, not a haiku was written in our
AFC preview. In order to redeem myself I shall write a haiku for every single
NFC team, no matter how stumped I become. (But Gyasi, isn’t that technically
just making less work for yourself? Haikus only have three lines) Shut up, you!
The art of haiku was a challenge reserved for only the most brilliant minds in
ancient Japan. It is an honor to bear this duty. Should I fail, I will commit
seppuku.
Before we get to all that Hidden
Dragon stuff, let’s check in for the latest news around the NFL. Brian Hoyer
was officially named Cleveland’s Week 1 starter. That means Holly, who drafted
Johnny Manziel in the 12-team fantasy league of mine, either wasted a pick or secretly
has the ultimate sleeper to get through the playoffs. It’s not the end of the
world, people. Manziel just wasn’t ready. Give the kid some time.
Elsewhere in the AFC North, the
Bengals announced that Geno Atkins will start in their game against the
Cardinals this Sunday. Geno’s back, my friends. If Atkins can get back to full
strength in the next two weeks then Cincinnati’s defense will be in contention
for the best unit in the league.
Still in the AFC North, Le’Veon Bell
and LeGarrette Blount were arrested together for marijuana possession on
Wednesday. Their punishments are still forthcoming, but the duo was able to
play in Pittsburgh’s Thursday night matchup with the Eagles. Former Steeler
Isaac Redman announced his retirement this morning, so the team will be in
quite a bind should Bell and Blount have to miss significant time.
On Tuesday I drafted my fantasy team,
Prison Todd’s Squad. I had the last pick in a snake format, which means that I would
pick last, then first in the next round, then wait two whole rounds and have
another back-to-back. I may have panicked here and there, but I believe our
draft was pretty successful. Boasting players like the Immortal Tom Brady and
breakout rookie Keenan Allen, PTS is heading to the Ball is Life Championship.
Alright, are you ready?? I know I am!
The stakes are pretty high so let’s get into it, the first ever Redding Report
NFC Poetry Preview! I know most of you have drafted your fantasy teams or will
be drafting very soon, so I’ll try to focus on sleepers that you can find after
your rosters have been filled.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers may have more than a few breakout stars
this season, but their best secret weapon for your fantasy team might be their
defense. With stars like Gerald McCoy and All-Pro Lavonte David, the young Bucs
defense has a knack for getting their hands on the ball, whether it is by
forcing fumbles or snatching interceptions. With safety Dashon Goldson joining
Mark Barron in the secondary, expect this unit to be even more productive in
2014. Coach Lovie Smith has called Doug Martin his “bell cow”, so rest assured
if you were worried about Martin losing carries this season.
NFC South is tough
Will great defense be
enough?
Lavonte
thinks so
If you’ve been keeping up with the Atlanta Falcons on Hard Knocks,
then you’ve probably heard the name Devonta Freeman. The rookie running back
from Flo-- Florida State (sorry, just threw up in my mouth a little bit having
to type that) has exceeded expectations right off the bat this summer. After Steven
Jackson’s uncharacteristically mediocre season in 2013 his future has become
increasingly unclear, meaning Freeman could be Atlanta’s starting back sooner
than anyone thought. He’s been described by coaches as “hard to keep off the
field”, so if you don’t draft Freeman, keep your eye on his stats before the
waiver wire frenzy starts.
Failure surprised them
A lightning-fast fall from
grace
Can you
redeem, Matt?
Even though the Carolina Panthers climbed atop the NFC South thanks to
winning with a gambling offense last season, their WR situation is looking very
bleak. The backfield, however, is set to be a dynamic group. Running back
DeAngelo Williams is healthy and he’ll have plenty of room to run with
defenders focusing on containing Cam Newton. A word of caution to this tale:
should Mike Tolbert poach goal-line carries, your fantasy team will fail.
Cam is electric
Defense, release the Kraken
Riverboat Ron
smiles
It’s business as usual for the New Orleans Saints who are
poised to have yet another high-flying offensive unit. Wide receiver Kenny
Stills, a talented rookie who got a few opportunities late last season, has
been held out of most of training camp and the preseason with a quad injury. Ideally,
the Saints want to use him on the outside this season, but until he returns,
rookie Brandin Cooks has been impressing the coaching staff. Saints receivers
are hard to depend on because Drew Brees spreads the ball around so efficiently,
but should you somehow get your hands on Jimmy Graham don’t let him go for
anything.
No more dunks, Jimmy
Sean Payton has Super Bowl
dreams
Go take the
South back
Pretty good so far, huh? If I get any
better at writing haikus I might have to become a samurai, I’m telling you.
Shall we explore the NFC East? The Washington
Redskins have had plenty to worry about this offseason with RGIII recovering
from injury and the entire sports world questioning whether their team name is
acceptable. Alfred Morris has had an iffy preseason, but don’t give up on him
just quite yet. However, Washington’s real fantasy value lies in the receiving
corps. Desean Jackson and Andre Roberts came over in the offseason to form a
dynamic group of receivers along with Pierre Garcon and Santana Moss. Jackson
and Garcon will likely be the main focus of defenses from week to week, so look
out for Andre Roberts to benefit from the extra space and eat up the middle of
the field.
Is our name racist?
It won’t matter on the field
Protect
Robert’s knees
This organization does not condone
any affiliation with, or support of, the new york giants football club. For
this reason, we will regretfully have to omit them from this and any future
reports filed under the Redding Report name.
Sorry about that. The boss REALLY
doesn’t like the (name omitted). That’s all just legal who’sitwhat’sit. Anyway,
the Philadelphia Eagles added
some important pieces to their lightning-fast offense (still not as fast as New
England’s offense) and they looked to be in impeccable shape Thursday night against
the Steelers. Rookie receiver Jordan Matthews has been the talk of training
camp all summer long. Although Riley Cooper, who broke out with 835 yards and 8
touchdowns last season, is entrenched at the WR 2 position, Chip Kelly will
find plenty of ways to use Matthews in the passing game this season. He’s a good
3 or 4 WR option for your fantasy team.
Chip is a mad man
But there is one crazier
They really
got Sproles??
Mark my words, folks. This is the
year of the Dallas Cowboys receiver.
Dez Bryant has been put in triple coverage by many defenses and still manages
to come up with catch after catch. Second-year man Terrance Williams, who caught
five touchdown passes in his rookie season, has been solid in training camp and
is now a lock to line up opposite Bryant every week. On top of that, slot
receiver Cole Beasley will get more opportunity in the middle of the field now
that Miles “Lost in the Lights” Austin is out of town. Fantasy owners, you can’t
really go wrong with these guys as long as Tony Romo is healthy. If the receivers
are producing the way they’re projected to, Demarco Murray will be enjoying
plenty of defenses with six defensive backs and few men in the box. Dallas’
offense should be the gift that keeps on giving this season.
Jerry World shines bright
Romo is a gleaming knight
Give Dez the
damn ball
The NFC North, though not exactly a
powerhouse division, has been among the most competitive and dramatic divisions
in recent years. With the Lions, Packers, and Bears all fighting for playoff
spots and the Vikings trying not to get in Adrian Peterson’s way, there’s never
a shortage of intrigue up north.
The Minnesota Vikings won’t have many fantasy opportunities
besides the guy in your league lucky enough to land AP, but don’t completely
overlook them. (Go ahead and overlook the quarterbacks though. No matter who
wins the job, you won’t want them on your team.) The Vikes are about to unleash
one of the league’s most dangerous offensive weapons in Cordarelle Patterson.
Patterson is a threat to line up on the outside, in the slot, in the backfield,
and even as a return man. Minnesota may not win very many games this season,
but their ability to use Patterson in almost every way imaginable will give
them a fighting chance.
All Day Peterson
He is basically the team
Oh, and
Patterson
As inconsistent as they have been in
the past, the Detroit Lions are
firmly in the NFC playoffs race. For now, anyway. More important than that, however,
is that they have plenty of pieces to keep your team in the playoffs race. Super-human
receiver Calvin Johnson will have real help in the passing game for the first
time in his career. With Golden Tate coming over from the Seahawks, teams will
have to account for him on every play. That duo will be aided in the short game
by rookie tight end Eric Ebron who has been praised by coaches since he first
walked in Detroit’s facility. On the ground, Reggie Bush and Joique Bell combine
to form a fast and powerful attack that will keep linebackers reeling and open even
more space for the receivers to work. If Matt Stafford can stay healthy
throughout the season, Detroit’s offense should be among the most potent in the
league.
Stafford, the new Layne?
Megatron’s glad that Tate
came
Detroit’s not
so bad
The Green Bay Packers are something like a fantasy well that
never runs dry. No matter who leaves the team or gets hurt, there’s always
someone who steps up and makes plays. Greg Jennings, Jordy Nelson, Randall Cobb,
even the most talented receivers are almost expendable because Aaron Rodgers
throws touchdowns as if he’s playing in his backyard. This season you can count
on Nelson and Cobb in the 1 or 2 receiver spot and pick up Jarrett Boykin off
of the waiver wire to fill the flex position. Green Bay’s got you covered in
the backfield as well, as reigning Offensive Rookie of the Year Eddie Lacy
should be even more productive after a year in the Packers’ system.
Aaron can’t be stopped
Nelson has flypaper hands
Fear that
Lambeau field
Although the Chicago Bears have made a habit of conceding the division
crown to Green Bay in excruciating ways, I believe that they’ll be the NFC
North champs when the dust settles this season. To support electric running back
Matt Forte the Bears acquired Ka’deem Cary. Cary was the nation’s leading
rusher as a senior at Arizona and has made the most of his touches in the preseason.
Keep an eye on him this season, you’ll probably end up scrambling to grab him
from the waiver wire. Their dynamic passing game can carry them with Jay Cutler,
Brandon Marshall, Martellus Bennett and Matt Forte, but Alshon Jeffery puts
them absolutely over the top. In his sophomore campaign, Jeffery had 1,421
yards and 7 touchdowns, with 5 games where had 100 yards or more. Chicago’s #2
receiver is sporting some of the best hands in the league right now and he’s
ready to wreak havoc all over the field with Brandon Marshall. In his rookie
year I could find Alshon on the waiver wire in any of my leagues. Last season I
could trade for him if I offered a pretty fair deal. This year, this is how a
conversation about Alshon Jeffery goes:
Cutler throws the ball
You don’t have to look to
know
B Marshall
caught it
The NFC West, or NFC’s Best, is home
to some of the best defensive units and backfields the NFL has to offer. Not to
mention the defending Super Bowl champion. This is the home stretch, people! Let’s
do it! The St Louis Rams have
been largely inconsistent on offense since Sam Bradford was drafted in 2010.
Bradford is often injured and the receiver situation has never been very
bright. Well prepare for all that to change! The Rams now have several big
targets in the passing game including Kenny Britt, who came over from
Tennessee, and Brian Quick. But the crown jewel of fantasy football in St Louis
is not a wide receiver, he’s in the backfield. Zac Stacy had 973 yards and 7
touchdowns as a rookie last year, a pleasant surprise for GMs like me who
plucked him off of the waiver wire. Stacy will continue to see the bulk of the
carries in St Louis, so draft him in the third or fourth round. He won’t be so
easy to stumble upon in his second season.
Rams won’t make playoffs
But they sure will have some
fun
Don’t get
hurt, Bradford
I did a crazy thing in my fantasy
draft this past Tuesday. I drafted Carson Palmer as my backup to Tom Brady, and
I felt good about it. Since he escaped exile in Oakland and joined the Arizona Cardinals, Palmer has
enjoyed a Kurt Warner-like resurgence. This is largely in part to Larry
Fitzgerald, one of the league’s three best receivers, and the talented young
gun Michael Floyd. Cardinals running back Andre Ellington will be a fantasy
steal this year, but Arizona’s hottest commodity is their defense. Patrick
Peterson, arguably the league’s best cornerback, leads a group that is adept at
shutting down both the run and passing game. Arizona plucked 20 interceptions
in 2013, and when second-year safety Tyrann Mathieu is healthy enough to return
to the field, they might have the #1 scoring defense in the league.
Kurt Warner is gone
But a new old man has come
Can he do
better?
Oh how the times, they are a-changing.
Two seasons ago I would have justified someone drafting the San Francisco 49ers defense as
early as the second round. I mean, they were just that good. But the secondary
has continued to weaken, highlighted by Donte W(Hitner) bolting to Cleveland this
offseason, and now the league’s best inside linebacker is recovering from
injury. That’d be Navorro Bowman, by the way, not Patrick Willis. The usually
dependable Frank Gore has seemed to be slowing down, but rookie Carlos Hyde is
ready to carry the load. He’ll need to prove himself against the NFC West
defensive gauntlet before I can recommend him as even a 2 back, but Hyde has
generated quite a buzz with his performances in training camp and preseason
action.
No more king defense
Colin will have to earn it
Harbaugh
struggle face
Last but not least, the Seattle Seahawks conclude our
analysis of the NFC. We all know by now that Beast Mode Lynch is going off of
the draft board in the first round, but now I give you a secret weapon: Robert
Turbin. The Seahawks are ready to give him an expanded role in this year’s
offense and he’s ready to lighten some of Lynch’s load. By picking up Turbin in
the fifth or sixth round you can snag yourself a reliable 2 or Flex back, and
you might get even more than you bargained for if the guy who drafts Lynch
wants to trade for injury insurance. As always, the league’s best defense will
be a valuable fantasy commodity as well. And don’t forget about Percy Harvin!
He’ll have to opportunity to play in all 16 games this season instead of
missing out on most of the action. Harvin will be used all over the field, in
addition to contributing in the return game.
Seahawks are the champs
They stomped all on the
Broncos
It still makes me laugh
There you have it, folks! Our first
ever Redding Report Poetry Preview is officially, entirely in the books! And I don’t
even have to stab myself in the stomach! I hope that you can snag some of these
fantasy sleepers for yourself. And if anyone else in your league reads my blog,
maybe just try to get them to skip this particular article. If you do choose to
take my advice then I’d love to hear about it! The comments section awaits you!
You’ll be hearing a lot more about my
personal team, Prison Todd’s Squad, throughout the season, so I’d love to hear
about yours too. If you’ve got any questions, opinions, or advice you want me
to drop on my readers, just email me at gyasi@ithinkbig.org
or hit me up on Twitter @GSRudy.
Until next time, my friends. Go watch
some preseason football!
Hello again, folks! I hope you didn’t
see your team on that list we went through last time. If you did, don’t sweat
it. Just dig your heels in and know that you’re going to need to be invested
for the long haul, because you’re not likely to see the promised land any time
soon. Moving right along, we’ve got A LOT to talk about, my friends! The
pre-season is in full swing and there’s been no shortage of excitement
surrounding the first football action we’ve seen since the Seahawks made the
Broncos look like a high school scout team (I should know, I was a scout team
superstar).
Now of course, I promised that my
writing leading up to the season wouldn’t be the same old dribble drabble that
reporters fill the airways with until the games actually count for something.
Nay, I say! Even while the last fourth-string long snapper is fighting his
roster spot, my writing shall remain just as inspired as if I were describing
the pivotal moment of the Super Bowl. With that being said, I have a great idea
to share with you guys. Last week I went to a spoken word event called Rhetoric
and it was amazing. I went last year with a few friends, but this year we took
a big group and the poets were marginally better. Long story short, I felt
poetry’s inspiration in my bones and I thought, “I should use poems to preview
the NFL season!” Genius, right??
So, here’s how this works: as we
highlight some of the top fantasy players to watch and such on every team (AFC
today, NFC next) there will be an accompanying poem that conveys my thoughts on
each team heading into the regular season. Haikus, sonnets, we’ll have it all!
This is totally going to be a thing next year, “Peter King’s 2015 NFL Poetry
Preview”. All the big writers will follow suit, mark my words.
This summer I spent three weeks
volunteering at a youth camp in Arizona, where I met some spectacular people.
They were kind and caring, and ultimately we became a tight-knit family.
However, we’ve now formed a 12-team fantasy league and the trash talk is
flowing. Our draft is in a few days so I’m trying to find the best sleepers to
pick up in those late rounds. You’ve probably found yourself in a similar boat
so hopefully I can be of some assistance. Let’s do this!
Alright, let’s start with the hard
stuff. Fantasy options for the Oakland Raiders. Perplexingly, Oakland allowed
their leading rusher and possibly best offensive weapon, Rashad Jennings, walk
in free agency and re-signed Darren McFadden. McFadden has been inconsistent
since he arrived in Oakland, though he often shows flashes of greatness. The
only player in silver and black that I can really recommend for your fantasy
team is Denarius Moore. Moore is a fast, big-play receiver with great hands
that caught five touchdowns last year with a dismal quarterback situation.
However, his apparent lack of work ethic could keep him off of the field this
year, so honestly just pray that you don’t find yourself depending on any
Raider to win games this year. Okay, here goes…
The August wind, it is a
Raider
The crazy fans, they dress
like Vader
Our quarterback can’t win in
the playoffs
Our running back’s a bust to
top it off
But our raucous cheering
you’ll still here
We’ve accepted that winning
is nowhere near
How are we doing? Pretty good? We
have 15 more of these things to knock out, so let’s get to it. Staying in the
AFC West, the Kansas City Chiefs have a few obvious fantasy studs. However,
what happens when Jamaal Charles is off the board three picks in and you’re
sitting at 11? KC’s defense may actually be their third-best fantasy option.
The Chief’s defenders managed 21 interceptions and 7 touchdowns last season.
They were the top-scoring defense in NFL.com fantasy, edging out Seattle by
nine points. Not to mention that return yards count towards a D/ST unit in most
leagues and DeAnthony Thomas has already made a statement as Kansas City’s new
return man. This group saved me in plenty a close game last year.
Alex Smith says he’s as good
as the rest
Jamaal Charles just might be
the best
We’re in a division that’s
really quite daunting
And that playoffs breakdown
may still be haunting
But our coach and his
moustache sure do have a plan
And success in January might
soon be at hand
I’m not getting paid to write poetry,
okay? I’m actually not being paid at all, but we’re going to move right along.
In San Diego, there have been concerns about the roster security of receiver
Vincent Brown, who I saw pulling into his driveway last night. Okay, that
doesn’t matter; I just wanted to acknowledge that I saw Vincent Brown at his
house (and have met him a few times). The real story out of Chargers camp has
been rookie running back Branden Oliver. Oliver has shown the strength, speed,
and ball security to be a three-down back, but it will be hard for him to get
playing playing time amongst incumbents Ryan Mathews and Danny Woodhead. We’ll
keep a keen eye on that developing situation. Because I live in San Diego, I
don’t know how nationally-known Keenan Allen is, but he absolutely should have
been last season’s Offensive Rookie of the Year. If your friends are ignorant
about Allen’s ability, take advantage of that and grab him in the third or
fourth round. You’ll be glad that you did.
75 and sunny, the Chargers
smile for a reason
Their fans carry banners
that read “Next Season”
Phillip Rivers has redeemed
himself with force
But can these players stay
McCoy’s course?
Last season, my buddy Joseph was
raving about Julius Thomas all through the preseason and telling us about how
Thomas was his fantasy sleeper. He went on and about Thomas’ fantasy potential
and all the point he was going to score for Joseph’s team. None of us believed
him and, well, we were certainly wrong. So shout out to you, Joseph. At this
point, I don’t know that it’s even possible for the Broncos to have a sleeper
on their team. Everyone will be looking to snatch up Peyton’s receivers just as
quick as they can. However, don’t be afraid to pick up Emmanuel Sanders. His
speed and excellent route-running will make him a favorite of Manning’s in no
time. Knowshon Moreno’s departure means more touches for Montee Ball, but
should he disappoint be sure to have Ronnie Hillman on standby.
Record after record the old
man broke
Words like “greatest” were
often spoke
Talib took a dirty hit from
little Welker
But Darelle Revis don’t play
that
I know the end to that poem was a
little abrupt, but seriously, Denver’s going to have to do more than take out one
guy to beat the Patriots this season. Any who, let’s hop on over to the AFC
North, shall we? Last season I took a chance on Steelers running back Le’Veon
Bell, and I was NOT disappointed. In Week 16 he racked up 124 yards and a
touchdown on the Packers, just barely saving my skin in the playoffs. This kid
is dependable and always seemed to get the points I needed to pull out a win.
However, his production could be affected by Pittsburgh’s signing of LeGarrette
Blount this summer. Blount may be seeing a lot more touches near the goal line
that Bell would have taken last year, so that’s definitely something to watch
out for before you commit an early pick to Bell.
Big Ben and Co. aren’t quite
the same
It’s been a few years since
they reached the Big Game
Cincinnati is primed to rule
the region
So Tomlin will have to
inspire a great season
In Cleveland, it’s hard to know who
will even be playing when the regular season starts. An influx of free agents
and draft picks has thrown many of their positions up in the air. However, one
thing you can be sure of in Cleveland is Jordan Cameron. Despite catching
passes from three different quarterbacks last season, Jordan had 917 yards and
seven touchdowns for the Browns. Four of those scores came in the first three
weeks of the season, before Brian Hoyer was injured. With Hoyer now healthy and
the best the Browns have (in my opinion), Cameron should go right back to his
scoring ways. Josh Gordon’s status is in flux, but should he play this season,
grab him early. That man is from another planet.
“God hates Cleveland”, goes
the saying
Will it change with Johnny
playing?
Will he play past hangover
pains?
Or maybe just flush his
talent down the drain
Start B Hoyer if you want to
win
And pray that he doesn’t get
injured again
Anything that’s happened in Ravens
camp this summer has been rightfully overshadowed by the Ray Rice controversy.
The man was recorded dragging his wife, who he had knocked out, out of an
elevator. He’s been suspended for two games. Josh Gordon was caught with
marijuana. He’s currently appealing a year-long suspension. Quite a head
scratcher, if you ask me. Before I get all riled up, let’s talk receivers.
Steve Smith is now in Baltimore and his physical style should translate well,
but I think Marlon Brown is poised to break out this year. Smith may not be
able to play every game and Torrey Smith will be spending the rest of his days
in double coverage. Brown had 524 yards and 7 touchdowns in 2013 while breaking
the Ravens’ franchise rookie record for TD catches. Dennis Pitta, referred to
as “the white tight end” by Terrell Suggs, is a dependable tight end option and
one of Flacco’s favorite targets.
Tis’ a visitor knocking at
your door
He’s asking why you don’t
win so much anymore
Your star back’s been
hitting more than the weights
And your defense is no
longer filled with the greats
Those shiny rings were not
won so far off
Can Flacco take you back to
the top?
Last offseason I predicted that the
Bengals would be sitting atop the AFC North come January, and sure enough, the
Red Rifle had led his team to an 11-5 record and a division crown. Literally 3
minutes ago I dropped Ben Roethlisberger from NFL.com team in favor of Andy
Dalton. I believe in this kid. Be on the lookout for Mohamed Sanu. He stepped
up when needed last season and has had strong showings so far in training camp
and the preseason. With Marvin Jones out until at least Week 5, Sanu will have
plenty of opportunity to prove himself. He shouldn’t be any higher than your
third receiver though, not unless he has a 100 yard game in Week 1. Gio Bernard
should already be on your fantasy radar, but just in case he’s not, CHECK OUT
GIO BERNARD. He’s set to have more touches in near the goal line this year,
which is music to the ears of a fantasy owner. Don’t sleep on him. The Bengals defense is definitely a great unit to grab, too. They saved me in plenty a pinch last season.
Gather round children,
here’s the legend of a man
His hair was like a tiger’s
and they feared his right hand
Some say it was a rifle,
some called it cannon
But when he went to the
playoffs, he just couldn’t beat the Texans
At the camp I mentioned earlier, I
met a few people from Tennessee. They were awesome and actually almost convinced me to
move there. I’ve heard from many a soul that certain parts of the state are
“heaven on earth”, but I definitely wouldn’t recommend that any of them buy
Titans season tickets. Jake Locker was exciting when he first came into the
league, but now we’re all wondering if he’s ever going to be anything more than
surprisingly athletic. Tennessee’s pretty dismal offensively and defensively,
and don’t really have much going for them. However, keep your eye on
second-year receiver Justin Hunter. Hunter had 111 yards and 2 touchdowns, on
ONLY FOUR RECEPTIONS. Need I say more? Other than that, I can’t really
recommend going anywhere near the Titans this fantasy season.
I’m not sure that I have too
much to say
Munchak’s gotta teach these
boys how to play
Put in Zach Mettenberger!
The Jaguars probably won’t be winning
too many games this season, but they might actually be a surprise fantasy gold
mine. Blake Bortles has made a strong case thus far to be the starter come Week
1, and it’s just announced that he is getting first-team reps for the first
time this week. Should Bortles become the starter, he will make consistent
tight end Marcedes Lewis even more attractive. A big tight end with good hands
is a rookie quarterback’s best friend. Marqise Lee could have a big season if
he figures out NFL coverages quickly enough, and Toby Gerhart should shine now
that he’s out of AP’s shadow. However, keep in mind that these are the Jaguars
we’re talking about, people.
The Jaguars suffer another
loss on the field
Gus Bradley says “We can
build!”
Denard Robinson was a great
quarterback
Now they tell him to take
the punts back
If Bortles can’t do it, then
what do ya know
The fans will start
screaming for TEBOW!
Houston may not be the (sort of)
contenders they’ve been in recent years, but that doesn’t mean they can’t help
your fantasy team make the playoffs. Ryan Fitzpatrick may be their starting
quarterback, but not even he can impede the ridiculous talents of Andre Johnson
and second-year star DeAndre Hopkins. Those two may be spending a lot of time
in blanket coverage this year, so look for DeVier Posey to be the beneficiary
in the slot. Arian Foster should be seeing a lot more touches this year,
especially if nobody can develop into a suitable backup with Ben Tate now in
Cleveland. I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but McDonald’s has to put “hot”
labels on coffee so…DO NOT AT ANY TIME FOR ANY REASON PUT RYAN FITZPATRICK ON
YOUR TEAM. DON’T DO IT, MAN.
Arian Foster rules the
Twitter-verse
Fitz-magic is something more
like a curse
Watt and Clowney put QB’s in
a hearse
Is Andre Johnson losing that
extra burst?
Here’s a general rule of thumb in
Indianapolis: don’t touch the running backs. The Colts probably haven’t had a
legit, game-changing man in the backfield since Edgerrin James. After being
signed by Indy last year, Trent Richardson averaged about 3 yards per carry. Let’s
talk about something else before I get depressed. Reggie Wayne should be the
consistent, reliable receiver he always is, but the real prize here is T.Y. Hilton.
I sat Hilton against the Seahawks in Week 5 and he burned them for 140 yards
and two touchdowns. THE SEAHAWKS. The Colts have used Hilton all over the field
this summer, including their preseason game against the Jets. T.Y. is poised to
be an absolute fantasy monster this year.
The Colts got Lucky once
again
The Chiefs’ turnover
troubles did them in
Indy couldn’t match up with
Brady and his Pats
But the Texans may never
take the South back
Home stretch, folks! There are quite
a few fantasy studs residing in the AFC East, so let’s get the trash out of the
way. The Jets (who I strongly considered not writing about) have uncertainty
surrounding almost every offensive position. Whether Geno Smith or Michael Vick
earns the starting job, their group of receivers will likely be very
inconsistent. Except, that is, for Eric Decker. Decker should continue his
productive ways this season, even if he was dumb enough to sign with the Jets. I
wouldn’t recommend depending on any of New Jersey’s running backs until they’ve
shown at least three weeks of consistent production.
I hate the Jets and that’s a
fact
Will they have a losing
record?
Is Rex Ryan fat?
The situation in Miami is a little
(just barely) brighter, but the Dolphins do have some hope for the playoffs.
Miami’s running back depth is a roll call of college studs who didn’t quite pan
out in the pros. Lamar Miller flashed hope for the future last season, but
ultimately was unable to perform well on a consistent basis. Knowshon Moreno
could take over in this change of scenery, but chances are he doesn’t have much
left in the tank. You’re already in trouble if you’re looking to Ryan Tannehill
to win a matchup, but receiver Brian Hartline has a pair of the most dependable
hands in the league. He’s a nice second or third receiver who’s probably on
your league’s waiver wire.
Fun in the sun where the
Dolphins reside
Their fortunes are rising
like the South Beach high tide
Tannehill must now learn to
step up and lead
Hopefully they have a coach
who can teach them to succeed
I never thought I’d regard the Bills
as the second-best team in the AFC East, but here we are. I won’t feel comfortable
supporting EJ Manuel as a legitimate QB option until he’s had a few good
seasons. However, the men in Buffalo’s backfield have been well-established.
C.J. Spiller and Fred Jackson are one of the league’s best running back tandems
who are always prepared to pick up each other’s slack. However, Doug Marrone
seems to view Spiller as nothing more than a change-of-pace back, giving
Jackson the majority of first team reps and goal-line work. By the way, SAMMY
WATKINS. Didn’t catch that? SAMMY WATKINS. Need it again? SAMMY WATKINS. Good talk,
guys.
Winter bites hard in the
Buffalo snow
But for football it’s a
great place to go
Acrobatic receivers will
make for a show
Here comes a 10 win season
with great defense in tow
Last, but not least, MY New England
Patriots. Every single player on this roster is a stud, people. Third-stringers,
fourth-stringers, it doesn’t matter. Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback ever
and will turn anybody and everybody into a superstar. Okay, on a (more) serious
note, Shane Vereen is healthy and ready to have a big season. Should he end up
sidelined for any period of time, it may be rookie James White who you’ll want
to step in if Stevan Ridley keeps up his fumbling ways. On the receiving side,
Kenbrell Thompkins is about to have a breakout year. Mark my words. Julian
Edelman is always a great option, being Brady’s favorite target, but Danny
Amendola still hasn’t proven himself to be worth Welker’s departure in my eyes.
I’ll be completely honest, I kind of hate that guy. Kind of hate him a whole
lot. Forgive me if this poem is a little longer than the others.
Oh, New England Patriots
How do I describe my love
for thee?
Your glory is like a shining
sun, rising over the Boston Harbor
With the passion for you in
his heart, Vereen will run faster and farther
Bless Tom Brady’s right arm,
mortal limits it does not know
To see your banner lifted
high, there’s no length to which we will not go
With Revis in the secondary,
Peyton’s friends won’t be a worry
We’re going to win the Super
Bowl, so we bid the season HURRY!
There you have it folks, our first
Poetry Preview. Well, half of it, anyway. The NFC portion will be headed your
way soon. Don’t ask me how soon though, because I’m 3,247 words into this one
and it took me SO long to finish. Anyway, I hope this advice helps you win your
fantasy league this year and if it does feel free to let us know in the comments
section!
By the way, I haven’t been able to
shake the soccer bug I caught during the World Cup so I decided to follow the
Barclays Premier League (that’s in England). I plan to purchase a jersey soon
and who knows, maybe the BPL will even find its way into the Redding Report. The
world is a-changing, folks.
Up next, we preview the fantasy scene
in the NFC and most likely talk about something completely irrelevant. Arsenal
has a Champions League qualifying game tomorrow morning against Besiktas, so I’ll
be watching that at 9:30 am. I do not, however, have a single clue what the
Champions League is. Come on, you gunners!
