Is it ever too late to root for the home team? Is my brain going to shut down from fatigue? Week 9 picks are here!

Folks, it’s been quite a good week for yours truly. The Patriots defense went off on the Dolphins without the help of Talib, Wilfork, or Mayo and Aaron Dobson has real human hands that really do work. However, that’s not what made this weekend so awesome. No, that was solidified when I realized that I’m better than you at fantasy football. That’s right my friends, no matter who you might be, if you are reading this then I am better at fantasy football than you are. Allow me to explain.

As my faithful followers will know, I participate in four fantasy football leagues. There’s the Pride league, the Money league, the Buddy league, and the fourth one really just doesn’t matter at all. So the focus of this story is what transpired in my Pride and Money leagues this week. Basically, a ridiculous blowout and an improbable win- both in my favor. Ready to find out why you’ll never be a better fantasy team owner than me? I’m ready to tell, that’s for sure.

So in my Pride league, I was on a three-game win streak after starting 2-2. At 5-2 I was sitting at third in the league, close enough to taste the top spot. My matchup this week was the team in 2^nd place, a friend who had blown me out in week 1 behind Kaepernick’s demolition of the Packers. This week, I had to get my revenge. It was all or nothing. I benched Matt Ryan in favor of Russell Wilson and never looked back. 165 points later, the Cardinals defense has chipped in a nice 24 and even Terrance Williams (love to say I told you so!) put up 19. My Pride team (named Redding The Defense, you don’t have to tell me how clever it is) is now 6-2. That other team? Let’s just say they were 60 points in the wrong direction.

As for my Money team, every projection and logical deduction said that we would lose by at least 20 points. So what happened? Well, it started with me going against my every instinct and benching Tom Brady, starting Matt Stafford in his place. Stafford then went on to do cruel things to my mind and heart in Detroit’s win over Dallas, adding 30 points. Last week I picked up Cincy’s defense. This week they scored 30 points. A defense gave me 30 points. Going into Monday Night Football, I was down by one point. Steven Hauschka scored two, giving me the 130-129 win. I’m better than you at fantasy football. Now, let’s talk about some real games, shall we? As always, projected winners in bold.

Okay, here’s the thing. I’ve just had the longest, most tiring week of my life and its 11 pm. My brain is functioning at about 45% capacity and I may just pass out soon. I doubt that I could make it through my traditional picks format, so I’m going to kind of rave and ramble and you’ll get your picks at the end. Cool? Cool. That being said, did you hear that the NFL is considering taking away touchdowns for taunting penalties like the one Golden Tate incurred on Monday Night? Who do they think they are, the NCAA? They’re entertainers, let them entertain. Jeez. Also, did you see how Demarcus Ware snatched Dez Bryant when he was yelling on the sideline? Noooo thank you. 

In case you hadn’t noticed, the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl. Justify my claims? Um, the Red Sox just won the World Series. Therefore, the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl. Case closed. By the way, here’s my MVP Watch going into Week 9:

1.      Calvin Johnson (Megatron): If you need justification for this, please promptly punch yourself in the face. Or just watch this. 

2.      Patriots’ Defense: Down by 17 points against the Dolphins, New England’s defense found another gear without their three best players and generated six sacks along with two picks as the offense scored 24 unanswered points.

3.      Marvin Jones: I mean, the guy almost scored as many touchdowns in one game as AJ Green has so far this season. Plus, it’s hilarious that Andy Dalton threw four touchdowns to someone who was probably on 1% of the world’s fantasy teams.

4.      Chiefs Defense: Do you really have to ask? Alex Smith is not exactly carrying the Chiefs with his arm. I’m fully confident that KC can beat Denver if their defense performs how they have been.

5.      Terrelle Pryor: Before the season started, I said that Pryor would win Oakland’s starting job and even be a little good at it, too. Well, on Sunday he scored on a 93-yard run against the Steelers. Terrelle Pryor is a quarterback.

One of the most attractive traits in any person, leader or friend, is humility. I try to live my life as humbly as possible at all times and I believe that hard work in silence is much better than laziness in front of a crowd. In light of that, let’s check out some of the fantasy X-factors I’ve named that demonstrate my genius.

Ø  In my Week 6 picks column, I advised everyone to pick up Terrance Williams, who I noticed was becoming one of Tony Romo’s favorite targets. Only one Cowboys receiver scored a touchdown that week. Who was it? Well, you can probably guess.

Ø  This week I urged you not to overthink starting Calvin Johnson in the Megatron vs. Dez Bowl. You’re welcome, citizens.

Ø  Week 3 I named Eric Decker, who ended up with 8 receptions for 133 yards and a touchdown. Yes yes I know, thanks are not necessary.

Oh, what’s that? You were wondering who I think are the top five teams in the league? Well, I thought you’d never ask! You’ll recall that I am shamelessly biased towards the New England Patriots. We’re always accepting New Fan Applications, by the way. Just throwing it out there. Anyway…

1.      Seattle Seahawks

2.      New England Patriots

3.      Denver Broncos

4.      New Orleans Saints

5.      Cincinnati Bengals

Okay I’m starting to experience physical pain because of how tired I am, let’s get to these picks shall we? (My brain can’t handle numbers right now)

·         Dolphins lose to Bengals

·         Buffalo loses to Kansas City

·         Carolina beats Atlanta

·         Dallas destroys Minnesota

·         Pathetic Jets get demolished by the Saints

·         St. Louis surprises Tennessee

·         Washington can’t finish against the Chargers

·         Oakland keeps it going against Philly

·         Seattle easily handles Tampa Bay

·         Cleveland is still Cleveland against Baltimore

·         New England dispatches Pittsburgh

·         Houston is defeated by Indy

·         Green Bay squeaks by Chicago

Before we depart this week, I need your opinion on something. I became a Patriots fan in a rather unorthodox way, being from San Diego, which I may have mentioned before. Anyway, a good friend of mine believes that even eight years later it is not too late for me to become “loyal to my soil” and convert to the First Church of the Chargers. Is it plausible? Is it even worth it? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Go ahead and sound off in the comments section or feel free to get at me on Twitter, @GSRudy.

With that out of the way, I’m ready to hit the sack my friends. The Redding Report Crystal Ball of Athletic Clairvoyance© has really found it’s groove, and we went 11-2 this week. You can’t tell me that’s not impressive! That awesome mark brings our total record to 76-48, and we’re getting better each week. Thank you all so much for reading; I can’t even express how much it means to me. Until next week!