Week 1 Quick Picks! And We Mean Quick!

Okay, folks. The time is 8:55 am in San Diego. Football officially kicks off at 10:00 am. That means I’m about to set a world record for fastest picks article written. We have one hour to predict who’s going to win each game and make a bold claim about those games. This endeavor will take every ounce of my semi-semi-professional journalistic powers. You with me, people?? Let’s do this!

Packers at Seahawks, Thursday 5:30 pm

Winner: This game already happened, but if you really picked Green Bay to beat Seattle on opening day in their own house then you’re a lost cause anyway.

Bold Prediction: The Seahawks will do to every team on their schedule what they did to Green Bay and head to the Super Bowl with an 18-0 record

Patriots at Dolphins, Sunday 10:00 am

Winner: New England has been waiting a long time to get some real game action for their revamped defense and now-experienced receiving corps. Not to mention, they’ve won 10 season openers in a row.

Bold Prediction: Julian Edelman will score twice while the Patriots secondary comes up with three interceptions

Saints at Falcons, Sunday 10:00 am

Winner: New Orleans’ defense got stronger during the offseason, and the draft produced a talented young receiver for Brees to add to his arsenal. Drew Brees getting more weapons is bad news for anybody outside of New Orleans. Saints take it.

Bold Prediction: Drew Brees will throw five touchdowns and three of them will be to some guy that is owned on 1% of fantasy teams

Vikings at Rams, Sunday 10:00 am

Winner: I would give this one to St. Louis were Sam Bradford healthy, but him not being on the field (AGAIN) is a serious blow to that team. Because they have Adrian Peterson and Cordarelle Patterson, plus some talented young safeties that are looking to take advantage of Bradford’s stand-in, this one goes to Minnesota.

Bold Prediction: Cordarelle Patterson will have 200 all-purpose yards

Browns at Steelers, Sunday 10:00 am

Winner: I’m among the minority that believes Brian Hoyer will guide the Browns to a winning record this year, but without Josh Gordon that might take a few weeks to kick in. If Cleveland can’t contain Antonio Brown, this could get ugly. Steelers 1-0.

Bold Prediction: No passes will be completed against Joe Haden today

Jaguars at Eagles, Sunday 10:00 am

Winner: I can not, in good conscience, pick the Jaguars to win this game. It would go against my journalistic integrity. All I can do is hope that Jacksonville gives Bortles the ball and makes the game a little more exciting.

Bold Prediction: Chip Kelly’s new toy, Darren Sproles, will have almost 300 all-purpose yards

Raiders at Jets, Sunday 10:00 am

Winner: Call me crazy, but I’m going with the Raiders today. Rookie QB Derek Carr looked like a veteran against the Seahawks defense in Week 4 of the preseason. He was actually going at Richard Sherman and completing passes right in his face. I’ll believe in this Oakland squad until they give me a reason not to. Plus I hate the jets.

Bold Prediction: A Raiders receiver will eclipse 100 receiving yards today

Bengals at Ravens, Sunday 10:00 am

Winner: Baltimore will want to re-establish the dominance they once had over Cincinnati, but I believe the Bengals will prove that their division crown last season was no fluke. With Geno Atkins healthy and ready to harass Joe Flacco, Cincy’s defense should be able to shut down the Ray Rice-less Ravens offense.

Bold Prediction: Giovani Bernard will gain over 150 yards on the ground

Bills at Bears, Sunday 10:00 am

Winner: The Bills have 99 problems, but winning games ain’t one. Until EJ Manuel can stay healthy and prove himself as the franchise QB, Buffalo will be on the losing end of a lot of contests. Expect the Bears offense to unleash its full potential on a Bills defense that lost their star safety in free agency.

Bold Prediction: Two Bears receivers will gain over 100 receiving yards

Redskins at Texans, Sunday 10:00 am

Winner: Can the team who wins this game even be considered a winner? Houston is looking for a quarterback to step up and lead them back to the playoffs while Washington is just plain looking for their quarterback—because he’s somewhere shooting a commercial. If RGIII and Desean Jackson can find a connection, it might be the Redskin’s saving grace.

Bold Prediction: Arian Foster will touch the ball more than any Texans receiver

Titans at Chiefs, Sunday 10:00 am

Winner: The Titans don’t have the talent to beat KC in Arrowhead Stadium (whose fans have rivaled Seattle’s for the league’s loudest). Andy Reid will find some creative ways to use DeAnthony Thomas and keep his Chiefs two steps ahead this morning.

Bold Prediction: Jamaal Charles will score (at least) four touchdowns. Rushing and receiving.

Panthers at Buccaneers, Sunday 1:25 pm

Winner: Cam Newton’s two favorite receivers have jumped ship, meaning the team will be asking a lot more of him. If Cam feels the pressure and starts making mistakes, you better believe that the Bucs defense will take advantage. This one goes to Tampa Bay.

Bold Prediction: Lavonte David will record more tackles than Luke Keuchly and notch an interception

49ers at Cowboys, Sunday 1:25 pm

Winner: San Francisco’s defense lost some key players this offseason and won’t be the dominant unit we’re used to seeing. Meanwhile, Dallas’ offense is ready to burn that field to the ground. Sorry Frisco.

Bold Prediction: Both Dez Bryant and Terrance Williams have at least 10 catches with 100 yards and a touchdown

Colts at Broncos, Sunday 5:30 pm

Winner: Andrew Luck has been lauded as the future of the NFL, but Peyton Manning is its past and it’s present. If Aqib Talib can stay healthy long enough to shut down Reggie Wayne, Denver’s D-Line will have a field day pressuring Luck. But with Wes Welker and his Mollys out of the game, Denver’s offense will need some time to get on the same page. Indy takes it.

Bold Prediction: T.Y. Hilton will have 100 yards and 2 touchdowns today (this is really just me hoping for the sake of my fantasy team)

Giants at Lions, Monday 4:10 pm

Winner: That team in new jersey that I can’t name in this blog space for legal reasons doesn’t have the secondary to stop Megatron and new Lions receiver Golden Tate. When the defense starts getting tunnel vision trying to stop them, Reggie Bush will take over. Lions win.

Bold Prediction: Matt Stafford will throw four touchdowns and no interceptions this afternoon

Chargers at Cardinals, Monday 7:20 pm

Winner: The Chargers are out to prove something this season, and I believe it will start by beating a very good Arizona team on the road this Monday night. Philip Rivers and Keenan Allen will need every bit of the chemistry they developed last season to be these Cardinals.

Bold Prediction: San Diego will not give up a sack

Okay, that’s it! Now let’s watch some football! I’m ready to see my Patriots enjoy a nice sushi meal today in Miami. Rep your team loud and proud in the comments section and then let the football take you to a better place. And as a treat for all the Dolphins fans out there, remember Tom Brady’s 99-yard touchdown? You’re welcome. Never forget. Until next time!  

10:10, not bad huh?