Browns vs Bills and other Horror Stories from My Week 5 Predictions

Another week, yet another win for the Patriots. There are only four undefeated teams left in the NFL, and because New England is one of them, you might hear a little bit about that as long as they keep winning. Anyway, we’re not here to talk about why Tom Brady should be MVP, that was on Tuesday. What we are here to talk about is my Great Weekend (when my high school, college, and NFL teams all turn in victories), whether or not the Redding Report Crystal Ball of Athletic Clairvoyance© let me down, and why I suck at fantasy football. I can’t wait any longer, let’s get started! You know how this works, predicted winners are in bold. 

Thursday Night Football: Cleveland Browns vs. Buffalo Bills

This is a surprisingly important game for both teams, as usually both would be out of playoff contention by now. Cleveland stands to gain more from a win tonight because they are very much contending in the weak AFC North, but I doubt the Bills will be able to catch the Dolphins, much less the Patriots. Cleveland’s Savior Brian Hoyer should find some nice connections with left-field beast Jordan Cameron and get the W. Browns 24, Bills 17

Sunday Games:

Chicago Bears vs. New Orleans Saints

Reggie Bush did unspeakable things to this usually-fearsome Bears defense a week ago; will Darren Sproles be able to do the same? The 4-0 Saints could afford to drop one, seeing as how the next best team in their division is 1-2 (Carolina had an early bye), but Chicago really needs a win to keep pace with the division-leading Lions. However, I think Drew Brees has made it clear that he means business this season. Bears 21, Saints 31

Cincinnati Bengals vs. New England Patriots

I’ll make this simple, okay? The Patriots are undefeated and getting better every week, not to mention boasting one of the league’s most clutch (if not best) defenses. The Bengals are inconsistent, not especially strong defensively, and just lost to Cleveland’s Savior Brian Hoyer. Aqib Talib made Matt Ryan play the fool on Sunday Night and he’ll do the same to Dalton on his quest for 16 interceptions (Yes, this is really going to happen. Don’t give me that look). However, A.J. Green is still a must-start for your fantasy team. Don’t get burned by believing in the Patriots’ defense way too much like I did this past week. Bengals 20, Patriots 33

Indianapolis Colts vs. Seattle Seahawks

As you may recall, both of these teams have embarrassed the 49ers this season. Last week Russ Magic and the Hawks engineered a heart-stopping comeback in Houston, while the Colts couldn’t score on the Jags until the second quarter. Just saying. Seattle is the best team in the world, so there’s no way I’m betting against them. The real question is, how will DPOY hopeful Richard Sherman get into the end zone this time? Colts 24, Seahawks 35

Miami Dolphins vs. Baltimore Ravens

Is there any time since the Ravens won the 2000 Super Bowl where they’d be the underdog against the Dolphins? Welcome to the Age of Flacco. Miami may have the lost undefeated showdown on Monday Night, but they are still a good, solid team. Young talent will see them through this season, as well as a much-improved Ryan Tannehill. Everyone except Pittsburgh is 2-2 in the AFC North, so it’s not a far fall for the Ravens when they do lose and therefore not a difficult climb back to a wild card spot. Dolphins 24, Ravens 20

New York Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles

Can we be honest with each other for a second? The NFC East sucks. They suck pretty badly. The Giants haven’t even scored in two weeks, and the Eagles just took an NCAA blowout from the Broncos. The only intrigue in this game is how many touchdowns LeSean McCoy will score and what the Giants will do to turn Coughlin’s face brighter than a cherry tomato, because they always lose in most spectacular fashion when they’re losing to the Eagles. Giants 10, Eagles 34

St. Louis Rams vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

Okay seriously, nobody should have to watch this game. Sam Bradford has been “on the verge of breaking out” for his entire life, and the Jaguars are terrible no matter who’s playing quarterback. This will be Justin Blackmon’s first game after a four game suspension, and he’s probably going to destroy the Rams defense. But I mean really, who cares? Not even the monkey riding a dog could make this game relevant. Rams 13, Jaguars 17

Tennessee Titans vs. Kansas City Chiefs

While you were watching Peyton Manning watch his receivers make him look good, the Titans have gone 3-1. Hard to believe, I know, but it seems as though Jake Locker may have finally caught on to something in this offense. On the other side, the new-look Chiefs are 4-0 and looking way better than anyone would have imagined. The deciding factor in this one? Defense, defense, defense. I’m not sure that I could name a single player on Tennessee’s defense, besides of course Bernard Karmell Pollard, the devil himself. Titans 16, Chiefs 27

Arizona Cardinals vs. Carolina Panthers

Both of these teams come into this game with sneaky-good defenses and very questionable offensive units. An early bye week may be what Carolina needed to figure that last piece of the puzzle, but I think Ron Rivera will continue to blankly stare into the distance as the Panthers drop another one. Don’t expect Jamaal Charles to run freer than a wild stallion though, this one will come down to the wire. Cardinals 24, Panthers 20

Dallas Cowboys vs. Denver Broncos

The Cowboys defense couldn’t stop Philip Rivers last week, and now touchdown machine Old Man Manning is coming to town. I think we can all see where this is going, right? I don’t see the Denver defense shutting down Dez Bryant or Demarco Murray, but the Cowboys defense has to deal with Wes Welker, Demaryius Thomas, Julius Thomas, etc. That’s right; I just said et cetera in reference to a team’s offense. That’s how many weapons they have. Cowboys 24, Broncos 37

San Francisco 49ers vs. Houston Texans

Only a couple of years ago, the 49ers and Texans were the only good teams in their respective divisions, now they’re both sitting at 2-2 and losing what was once a stranglehold on a playoff spot. Colin Kaepernick has been inconsistent so far this season, but the constant pressure of J.J. Watt and Brian Cushing will bring out either the best or worst he has to offer. Don’t forget, these guys were one Big Sherm pick-six away from handing Seattle their first loss. A key for the Niners will be whether or not Navarro Bowman can wreak as much havoc as he did last week against the Rams, which of course he can because he’s Navarro Bowman. If Houston can’t slow down Frank Gore, their chance of a victory is looking pretty slim. Niners 27, Texans 23

Oakland Raiders vs. San Diego Chargers

This contest was just a few inches short of being our game of the week, but there’s still plenty to be excited about. Philip Rivers should have a good old time playing catch with his receivers while the Raiders DBs coach them with things like, “Catch with your hands, not your chest. Don’t worry; my hand is only here to distract you. I’m not going to actually defend the pass.” However, I’m really excited for the return of Terrelle Pryor, Duke of the Bay Area. He’s definitely going to give this San Diego defense fits, but in the end the absence of both Darren McFadden and Marcel Reese will be too much for the offense to overcome. Raiders 21, Chargers 30

Game of the Week: Green Bay Packers vs. Detroit Lions

In recent years the Packers have been nothing short of Matt Stafford’s kryptonite, but now they have to deal with San Diego’s Chosen Son, Reggie Bush. As Meg once said about Hercules, “He has no weaknesses, you can’t beat him!” Green Bay’s defense hasn’t exactly been dominant (quite the opposite), and it probably won’t be much improved after their early bye. I’m not going to pretend Detroit actually send defensive backs onto the field with their defensive squad, so you can expect a good old-fashioned shootout here, folks. Maybe Green Bay should re-sign Matt Flynn, he of the six-touchdown performance against these same Lions. I bet Matt Flynn misses Green Bay. Packers 35, Lions 44

Monday Night Football: Atlanta Falcons vs. New Jersey Jets

This is definitely the worst Monday night game in my memory. The Jets are 2-2, the Falcons are 1-3, and neither team makes me excited to watch Monday Night Football. What’s even more ridiculous about this is the fact that Detroit and Green Bay are facing off in a Sunday morning game this week, when clearly that games just screams prime time. Anyway, the Falcons have looked bad all season after losing last year’s NFC Championship and the jets just generally suck. Did you catch Buttfumble 2.0? I’ll be shocked if Atlanta loses this one in the dome, but then again they’re 1-3. Falcons 31, jets 17

Fantasy Advice from a Fantasy Football Expert:

·         Jordan Cameron has been lighting it up for my fantasy teams these past few weeks, so start him start him start him. Believe in the hype, believe in Brian Hoyer

·         Denarius Moore is one of Terrelle Pryor’s favorite receivers because of his speed and ability to get open when Pryor is scrambling, so he stands to gain the most with both McFadden and Reese sitting out this week

·         Philip Rivers has been on fire so far this season, and he’ll only get hotter against the Oakland defense. I’m pretty sure Rivers is available in all of my leagues, so don’t hesitate to check on him in yours

·         Torrey Smith and Joe Flacco finally connected for their first touchdown of the season this past week, and it won’t be the last. You saw what happened to Miami’s defense on Monday night, right?

Fantasy Sob Story of the Week:

I lost in all of my leagues but one this past week and I don’t really want to talk about it. One particular team went into Monday night with a 20 point lead and ended up with a three-point loss. Two players on my roster scored 0 points. ZERO points. Things are looking up this week, but one of my teams features AP and Alfred Morris. They have the same bye week. Somebody on the scheduling committee hates me.

There it is, folks. If any of your friends are betting men or fantasy football players, don’t be selfish, send them my way. The Redding Report Crystal Ball of Athletic Clairvoyance© was a little cloudy this week, so I went 10-6, bring my record to 38-27 on the season. That’s a whole 11 more wins than losses, before you try to revoke my expert status. Make sure to drop your thoughts in the comments section and tune in to NFL Network tonight to watch the Browns and Bills play what could very well be the worst game you’ve ever seen. Until next time!